For days, the Intergalactic Business Report has been trying to get businesses and communities to recognize Wet as Fuck February as a valid month of celebration to make up for the horrors of Dry January. Finally, a company CEO has offered all his employees the entire month of February to spend misusing company time and drinking themselves into a bottle of shame distilled into pure joy.
While he has requested we redact his name and company from this reprint, he has allowed us to share his open memo to employees.
FROM: CORNELIUS----- CEO, ---- INCORPORATED.
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: WET AS FUCK FEBRUARY
Dear members of the ---- team:
What started out as a simple request from a drunk employee has turned into a company-wide initiative, effective immediately. A couple moments ago, a man named Jarred approached me in the parking lot and demanded I recognize the month of February as something called “Wet as Fuck February.” He was clearly inebriated and agitated, and for a few moments, I feared for my safety. But then I started listening. And what he said made sense.
He explained that “Dry January” had ended and during that month the government of the United States declared a mini prohibition in which violators of strict no alcohol rules would be put to death by hit squads who took pleasure in enforcing murderous teetotaling rules and restrictions.
I told him I had never heard of this and that I was sure he was misinformed. He then exposed himself to me and security arrived to beat him down and remove him from the premises. Turns out, he didn’t even work for us. But that’s when it hit me that Jarred was right. I should allow everyone to simply fuck around for a month and take shits on the floor. I don’t care. I checked my bank account and I am so fucking wealthy you could all stop working and I’d still be rich.
This is why I am going ahead with Wet as Fuck February and I hope you enjoy it because the company will probably be completely ruined by March. On a national scale, I encourage other companies to follow my lead and go ahead with Wet as Fuck February and maybe even Wetter than Fuck March. I may even entertain the idea of Wettest Fuck April, if there is anything left of my business. So, starting now, all employees are welcome to begin drinking. It’s on me! (In the sense that you get a paycheck from me and now you will use that paycheck to pay for alcohol.)
Cornelius ----, CEO, ---- Incorporated.
You’ve heard it before. Words matter. Even if you have the best of intentions, the things you write or say can sometimes be misconstrued and even used against you. In the age of cancel culture and social media, business executives need to be especially wary of how they communicate, be it in an email, memo, or meeting.
Are you a business leader? Even if you aspire to be one, you should read these seven seven-word examples of common mistakes you may use at the office to express yourself. You will probably recognize several of these phrases and may even think, “I say that all the time.” Our advice, stop today, just to be safe. As innocuous as they may sound, they may offend or give the wrong impression.
It may take just seven words to cost you a seven-figure salary. See our examples below.
1. Opening line at the company picnic. “Welcome families! Here’s my penis. Enjoy it.”
2. All staff meeting intro. “Thank you for meeting today. I’m racist.”
3. Subject line in company-wide email. “To all females. Extra pay for boobies.”
4. Human Resources hiring suggestion. “Eef you speek like dis yer fired.”
5. Email to new employees. “Will swap sex for drugs. Call me.”
6. CEO message to shareholders. “Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis. You like?”
7. FYI to senior staff. “Twerked so hard I pooped my pants.”
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