 What comes out of your mouth matters to people – especially when they’re interviewing you for a job. These four words could cost you the position you’re meant for, so avoid them with everything you have. Below we list the terms you should never utter when talking to future employers. Even if you’ve been told otherwise, never, ever, say these words:
1. Fuckmouth. 2. Shitball/shitballs/shitballer. 3. Dicksucker/cocksucker. 4. Vaginal hole/peehole.  Three secrets about the super-wealthy that you might never understand. I don’t like to brag because I don’t need to. My life is pretty awesome and it’s mostly because I hang out with extremely rich people. By comparison, your life sucks. But that’s just by comparison. Without doing that your life could be fine. Just not amazing like mine. Anyway, a few weeks ago I was at the private European estate of a close friend of mine (I won’t tell you where, and I won’t tell you who), and I was relaxing on one of those amazing patios that has a view of the whole waterfront of St. Tropez. I looked over to my friend, Alistar, and I said, “you’re so amazingly rich, aren’t you?” He totally agreed. Then it was time for some drinks. I was feeling a little rich myself, just being there in that environment, so I started ordering around the servants. (A side note here, because I always forget that readers often have no idea what it’s like to be rich or live an exclusive lifestyle. Rich people often have servants. These are people who run around and get you things, like all the time. They’ll get you drinks, clean up your room, and drive you places. Plus a whole bunch of other things. Apparently, though, you’re not supposed to ask them to have sex with you, because that’s considered illegal or something. Whatever.) So I’m totally bitching at this one guy, Salamo, or Salami, or something like that, because I never really take the time to learn servants’ names. I’m screaming, “get me a drink, motherfucker! Now!” and so on, and Alistar stops me. He tells me that I can’t do that stuff. And, of course, I ask, “what stuff? What was I doing?” That’s when he imparted to me these three secrets about the super wealthy that you’ll never believe or understand. 1. Super wealthy people don’t yell at servants, usually, unless they steal something or kill someone. This one blew me away. I always just assumed that if you were rich, and someone worked for you, you just screamed at them all the time. Alistar said that in reality, you try to act almost nice to them and you pretend that they’re doing you a favor even though you’re the one doing them a favor by employing them. What? I know. It makes no sense. 2. Rich people don’t always get away with murder. Again, I assumed that with enough money, you could pay your way out of anything. But apparently, sometimes it doesn’t work that way. I think Alistar told me this one because earlier I had asked if we could kill one of the servants and he said no. At the time, I thought it was because this particular servant was the one who brought us drinks and food, but in actuality his opposition had more to do with local laws that were in place to prevent one person from killing another one. Weirdly, this applies to all human beings whether they are rich or poor. Well, that’s the French for you, I guess. 3. You can’t sell servants. What? This one really pissed me off, because I had met a guy in the city who wanted to buy some and I had already promised him at least two. Again, French “law” prohibits this. At this point, as you can imagine, I was getting really frustrated. And I think instead of telling you three secrets about the super wealthy, I could just give you one, that encompasses them all: Rich people make up bullshit and often try to justify that bullshit by saying there is some obscure “law” that prevents them or you from doing whatever. As Alistar rambled on, I sipped my drink that Salami had finally brought me. I thought to myself, “one thing that super wealthy people have more of than money is their endless blathering words.” Time to get drunk and tune out, I realized as the sun hit my face and I slowly fell asleep. If I dropped my drink and it spilled all over the patio, some fucking servant would clean it up. If it wasn’t too much trouble that is! Darryl Smurten is an expert on the lives and lifestyles of super wealthy people. His own life consists of hanging out with these people and garnering insights and secrets about them.  These four entries will catch any recruiter’s attention and put you on the fast track to an offer you can’t refuse. 1. Bounty hunter. Not only can you track down leads, data, and talent, but you can track down bail jumpers and fugitives. And since there’s practically no way to prove you haven’t worked as a bounty hunter, your future employer will just have to take your word for it. 2. Warlord. Yes, this implies that you have had people killed for denying your slightest whim or trying to escape your compound. But it also shows that you have been in a high stress, top leadership position, where your decisions could be the difference between life and death. It also implies that you have no problem killing your interviewer if he/she doesn’t immediately hire you. Bonus! 3. Ass sniffer. Use this one to break the ice and inject a little humor into the interview. When your future employer asks you about this entry, simply cross your eyes (to show your zany appeal) and disappear under the table, only to reappear by his/her ass, which you sniff. The room will erupt in laughter and you may get an offer on the spot. People like working with funny people. Always remember that. 4. Dirty cop. Yes, they can probably find out that you never served as a cop, and claiming to have done so is probably a punishable offense by law. We guess… But, if they don’t check, and take your word for it, this shows that you were a leader who not only knows the streets, but also can hide evidence, intimidate rivals, and who will do virtually anything for money. Ba bam! You’re on the fast track to upper management at any corporation!  First time firing someone? Here are three tips to get through the ordeal (and feel amazing about it later). You’re a manager. And you get paid more than some other people. Now you have to fire one of them. If you’re unlucky enough to not be a sociopath, this moment could be fraught with guilt, fear, and dread. But if you follow these three tips, you can walk out of that firing with both parties feeling no pain. 1. Explain the “win-win” element. Let’s be honest. As soon as you start firing people, you are changed – from a likeable, normal human being, into a freakish ghoul who can only be sated by blood and hate. This is your new existence, so get used to it. Now that you are on your way to being the kind of person who puts families out on the streets and crushes careers, who would want to spend most of their days around you as your veritable servant? Explain to your victim that working for you is the equivalent of serving a satan-worshiping nazi dictator and that he’s really dodging a bullet by your letting him go. In other words, you're fired but you’re also welcome. 2. Invite him/her on vacation with your family. Look right into your soon-to-be fired employee’s eyes and offer this “bonus.” Say you’ll pay for everything and that it’s your way of “easing the pain.” If the person actually takes you up on the offer, just say you’re working so hard right now, what with the new shortage of staff, that the vacation won’t be for a couple years. Then just kind of avoid the person forever. 3. Begin belated sexual harassment. After you announce the firing, just reach over and touch the employees leg and say, half-heartedly, “you can sleep with me if you want to keep your job.” Whatever he or she says next doesn’t matter. You just follow it up by saying, “now you can sue us for sexual harassment. You’re welcome.” You just gave your ex-employee a wonderful gift. Feel good about yourself.  Most hiring managers believe that interviews tell more about candidates than just how they react to group pressure and whether or not they’re currently drunk. In exclusive cooperation with The Intergalactic Business Report, three of America's top recruiters revealed to us what their best candidates said to win them over and get hired on the spot. 1. “I’ll blow you.” 2. “I’ll blow all of you.” (This was a group interview.) 3. “I’ll let you blow me.” |
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