As the unquestioned leader in business news and information, the Intergalactic Business Report avoids making outrageous claims or irresponsible predictions. But after speaking with an anonymous financial expert, we couldn’t help but be swayed by his solid arguments and insights about a probable economic crash and his simple advice for what you can do to avoid it. We’ve excerpted some of the most important parts of our interview with him below:
INTERVIEWER: Anonymous means we can’t say your name, right?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Yes.
INTERVIEWER: (Speaking to one of our interns) Can someone please get Jeff a cup of fucking coffee?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: I don’t drink coffee.
INTERVIEWER: (To an intern) Can someone please get me a fucking drink then?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Are we going to talk about the coming economic breakdown?
INTERVIEWER: I guess. What about it?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: In a very short time, there is a very good chance that…
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t beer. I wanted a fucking beer. What’s this?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: I really want to tell your readers about this. It’s so important.
INTERVIEWER: Look at this drink. What the fuck is this? It’s a cocktail or something, right? I wanted a beer.
ECONOMIC EXPERT: It looks like a gin and tonic?
INTERVIEWER: Do you know who drinks gin and tonics?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Who?
INTERVIEWER: Street performers.
ECONOMIC EXPERT: I don’t get it.
INTERVIEWER: Yeah, you probably wouldn’t.
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Uh, are we going to discuss what you asked me to talk about…?
INTERVIEWER: Yeah yeah. Sure. Talk.
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Well… I’ve calculated that, to be totally safe and hold on to all your money, you need to do is…
INTERVIEWER: (Taking the beer from the intern who fucking finally brought it) This isn’t fucking Schlitz! I drink Schlitz!
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Do you really want me here?
INTERVIEWER: I don’t know… Can you get me a fucking Schlitz?
EDITORS’ NOTE: There was some other stuff that happened too. But this is what we thought was the most important and useful in the very short term to save your finances. Again, economics and money matters are complicated. Please use this information carefully and speak with your financial advisor before acting on it.
Please tell these in a scary voice with a flashlight pointed at your face:
STORY ONE: There once was a CEO named Chet who had a biiiig bonus coming his way. It was large. Veeeery veeery large. But then he shoooowed his penis to his administraaaaative assistant, and she told huuuuuuman resources on him. Now Chet spends his days in the daaarkness of his forty thousand square foot maaaaansion on the beeeeeach, because he had already accumulated soooo much wealth, that even the sexual harassment laaaawsuit couldn’t take all of it away. Moo ha ha ha ha.
STORY TWO: CEO Troy had a huuuuge layoff planned. It would finally rid him of four thousaaaaand clingy employees who reliiiiied on him for their financial fuuuutures. So on Halloween eve, he told his Vice-president for huuuman resources to “pull the triiiiger, and fiiiiire them all,” and then he called them all “a bunch of parasiiiites who deserved to be pooooor…..” But Troy was being recoooorded, by the VP, who wanted to ouuuuust him so that heeee would be seen by the chairman of the boooard as having high emoooootional intelligence, because that was a thiiiing now. The recording was released to the meeeeeedia…. And Troy, not the employees, was terminated…. * Moo ha ha….
STORY THREE: Halloween is no time to be enacting new vacation policies at your corporation…. Take the story of Miles, CEO of a gigaaaaantic multi-naaaaational conglomerate, who decided on a late October morning that employee vacations would be cut down to three days a year, regaaaardless of how long they had wooorked there. He believed this would increase productivity, by keeping them at their desks for loooooonger every year. But Miles’s general counsel was incoooompetent, and didn’t realize that this vioooolated many laaaaabor laws, especially in countries like Germaaaaany and all those places where they wooork to live and not live to wooork…. Now Miles lives to goooolf and siiit by his pooool that he bought with all his coporate boooonuses. But he is no longer CEO. Moo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
*Troy did receive like a zillion dollar payout for being fired, so he’s fine with money. Just don’t ask him about the legality of recording devices and all of that bullshit because he won’t stop talking about it for a week. Stick to asking him about golf or porn. Or how much money he has.
Through yet another exclusive success study, the Intergalactic Business Report has made a stunning discovery that will change the way human beings function. Interviews of four thousand* high success leaders** have revealed that they use 7 phrases more often than common people like you. Maybe if you use these too, you’ll be successful? Read on and find out.
1. “Hey butler whose name I forget! Fetch me my blunderbuss so I can shoot at peasants!”
2. “Bring dat yacht around. I’m ready to find some French hookers at the marina!”
3. “Go buy me some stuff with all my money. Wait. Not all my money. Just a lot of it. But not so much that I don’t still have a lot of money.”
4. “I just shit in a public restroom as a joke. Maddy and Suffolk will explode in frivolity when they hear this!”
5. “I think that beggar cast a spell on me with his eyes. Dispatch of him Rudolph!”
6. “Do you have any Grey Poupon?”
7. “Stop touching my money, Barret! I use it to relax in and I don’t want your filthy hands all over it.”
**Guys we met at a bar.
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