A billionaire gave me the secret to being rich in one word.
I know lots of rich people. Lots. And all of them have a lot of money. I asked one of them to give me the secret of being rich in one word. You won’t believe what he said.
I would never disclose his name. He asked me not to. Let’s just call him Gregory. I would never disclose his industry, though you can probably guess when I say that he’s part of something big, very big, and it has to do with making money – a ton of it.
We sat and ordered drinks. Gregory had something with whiskey in it and I asked for vodka and Mountain Dew to wake myself up after a long weekend of partying on Gregory’s boat. Part of the “rich” lifestyle is to be on boats sometimes, and it’s also to have women in bikinis around. Sometimes.
On this last weekend, we had spent a lot of time drinking, but there were no women in bikinis. There was a kind of okay looking girl who served us drinks, but, like I said, she was just okay. I asked Gregory where all the bikini girls were, and he said something about how it’s complicated and that there weren’t always a bunch of girls in bikinis on rich people’s boats. Whatever, I thought.
But, anyway, I was sitting with Gregory and I asked him the question about the secret of his wealth. At first, he didn’t answer. He was like, why does it have to be one word, and I was like, because it’s cooler that way. And he was like, what’s cooler that way, and I was like it! It’s cooler that way.
So that went on for a little while. Truth be told, Gregory is kind of a dick. Not to say all rich people are dicks. But Gregory is. I hope all this hasn’t given away his identity.
Stuff calmed down. We had more drinks. I was getting kind of jacked up on the Dew and feeling weird and Gregory was looking all sad or something. So I asked him what was wrong. He said he figured out what the one word was. He said I had to come closer, that he needed to whisper it to me.
So I leaned in. I could tell he was about to say something. I wondered, would his voice be too soft for me to hear? I leaned in more. He opened his mouth. I eagerly waited. Then Gregory totally kissed me. Like making out kissing. And for a second I just went with it, but then I was like, what happened to the advice about being rich and all that shit? I was angry as hell.
All I can tell you is that the secret of getting rich in one word is making out with some other dude before he can realize what’s happening. As this reality of the universe hit me, I began to see how it all made sense. Sometimes, a word can be an action. And an action can be a word.
Darryl Smurten is an expert on the lives and lifestyles of super wealthy people. His own life consists of hanging out with these people and garnering insights and secrets about them. Send him comments at firstname.lastname@example.org
Your financial advisor. The person to whom you give your money 'cause he "knows what he's doing." As he makes forecasts, promises, and tries to sound "professional" take into account what he's hiding. New neuro-telepathic technology reveals what's really going on in his head.
These five common errors can cost you at the most crucial moment.
The big deal. The moment you’ve been waiting for, building for. It’s the moment when everyone is in the room. The big players. The decision makers. You get only one shot at this and if you do it right, you close the deal. If you fail, it’s over. Forever.
Believe it or not, closing the big deal is not as hard as it seems, as long as you avoid these five common mistakes.
1. Wear a belt/bra. If you’re a man, make sure you wear a belt to any important meeting, let alone a deal closing. If you don’t wear a belt, your pants tend to sag, or, in the worst cases, can even begin to fall down. Don’t let this simple fashion tool slip your mind. Similarly, if you’re a woman, remember to wear a bra. If you don’t, your nipples may show, or your breasts may sag. And this can be a fatal distraction to others who are there to sign a deal – not look at your boobs.
2. Don’t smoke. We know there may be some debate on this, but as of this year (2018) smoking is not allowed in most offices, restaurants, and even hotels and bars. If you decide to light up during a big deal closing, it may offend some in the room. It also may be flat out illegal, so beware.
3. Don’t pee your pants. Literally. If you need to use the bathroom, simply ask, politely, if you can be excused for a moment. Then, get up, leave the room, and search for a bathroom. This should be easy in most office buildings, but if you can’t find one right away, simply ask someone in the area if he or she can point you in the right direction. If you can’t find anyone then, I guess, just piss yourself. Just don’t re-enter the big deal signing room right away afterwards. Linger somewhere for a while first.
4. Avoid speaking “made up” languages like Clingon or Orcish. We know, some people will be offended that we call them “made up,” but the harsh reality is that most people in the business world will not understand you if you speak a language derived from a television series or book. Don’t learn this the hard way by opening your final pitch in Dothraki.
5. Never threaten people in the room. While it’s probably all right to mutter something under your breath, we recommend leaving all feelings of anger, resentment, and murderous rage at home so you can enter the meeting with a fresh, open hearted perspective. When you’re in a room with important business leaders, it is often frowned upon to suggest you will kill one of them. Just save that for chatting with your friends in the bar after you close the big deal.
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