As more Americans consider the true cost of education, an astounding new study by the Intergalactic Business Report confirms that getting a university business degree may not be cost-effective when compared to these nine alternatives.
Should you spend tens of thousands of dollars studying four years (or more) at college? Or should you consider getting one of these instead?
1. An original Rembrandt painting.
One of these can go for as much as $33 million dollars. The cost of an elite college education could be as much as $400,000 when you add in housing and food. Even if your first job out of college paid $100,000 a year, it would take you almost 350 years to make as much as the painting. Winner: Rembrandt painting. Loser: college education.
2. A businessman who works just for you and who is also a multi-billionaire.
Why go to school to learn business when you can have a guy who went there for you? Now he works for you and you just sit there or go on expensive vacations or watch t.v. or whatever. Since he’s a multi-billionaire and basically belongs to you, you can just request that he writes you checks and signs over all his business holdings so that they are now yours. This is the epitome of “street smarts” over “book smarts.”
3. A monkey who makes counterfeit money better than the best counterfeiters in the world.
While this one is technically “illegal,” the monkey doesn’t understand what it’s doing so that provides you some kind of excuse when you get busted. It’s probably best, in fact, that you and the monkey don’t discuss anything at all about how he’s coming up with all the cash. The less you know the better. Just take the money and then keep taking it. When the feds arrive it’s just you and a monkey. And a bunch of money. Act like you don’t know what’s going on, which you won’t as long as you never ask the monkey where he’s getting the hundred-dollar bills.
4. A re-usable lottery ticket that’s always right.
If you can get your hands on one of these it can be worth a lot of money because every time there’s a lottery, you can just use this ticket and win. Some lotteries can be worth hundreds of millions of dollars. So why go to college?
5. A golden penis that can be melted down and sold for money.
Just make sure it isn’t your penis, because then it will be gone after you melt it down. Also, make sure it’s huge, because a small penis may only be a few ounces, which won’t really get you a lot of money. This is, admittedly, one of the riskier options if you decide not to go to business school.
6. Three million dollars.
A lot of people ask, “Why not four million dollars?” or even five? We think three million.
7. A sonic trumpet that emits a world-deafening noise every time you play it.
Just say, “Hey, I’ll stop playing it if you give me like 80 trillion dollars” and see what the world leaders do. If you went to business school instead, you’d probably be asking your boss for a raise and he’d tell you about a bunch of shit you need to “work on” first.
8. A silver penis that can be melted down and sold for money.
Similar to number 5 (above), this is the same thing only with a less valuable metal. So make sure the dick is super super big to make up for the difference.
9. A ghost pirate who can walk through walls and threaten people.
There’s still something scary about pirates and ghosts and if you can get one of these guys on your side, he can approach almost anyone (because he can walk through their walls) and make them miserable. Then you can tell those people that you can control the pirate and they’ll be like, “O.K. How much do you want to call him off?” and you just smile and pass them a piece of paper with a number on it and wait for them to look shocked but then agree.
If you didn’t learn table manners growing up, you probably struggle to find the right fork and where to put your napkin when you are at high-powered business functions where people eat. Unfortunately, eating is the least of your problems.
You may not realize it, but the things you say during a business lunch or dinner can have an enormous impact on your career. Gestures, words, and even the way you shake hands are all indicators of your professional intelligence and can either propel you to the board room or expel you to the mail room. As part of its elite business etiquette training program, the Intergalactic Business Report shows you what you’re saying wrong at corporate meals that may be killing your career.
1. “Can I take my pants off now that I sat down?”
2. “Don’t fucking eyeball me, Todd. I will fucking prison fuck you.”
3. “’Scuse me while I disappear under the table to go looking for some fresh dick.”
4. “You look disease free, Milton. I guess you and your mom don’t have other partners?”
5. “I’ve always wondered, Walter, if that look on your face is from advanced syphilis or if you’re just about to die. Wait. No, you’re still alive.”
7. “Me go poopy in my pants. Can someone get a waiter to clean this shit up?”
8. “My name is Kevin and I’m here to say, eatin’ corporate lunches is the only way… Uh huh… Uh huh… Can someone fucking beatbox? Jesus. I’m all alone here.”
9. “Do I grab somebody’s cock under the table or do they grab mine? Or both. I’m sorry, I’m new.”
10. “Hey Milton, I invited your mom to join us. Because I kind of felt like an orgy. Just kidding. I like having sex with your mom alone.”
11. “They say cocaine and alcohol are totally different drugs but right now, I feel like they’re the same.”
A job description is your entry point into the world and culture of a company or organization, so make sure you pay attention to the nuances, subtleties, and key words it is projecting. In its most extensive analysis ever of human resources language and lingo, the Intergalactic Business Report identifies nine certain warning signs in a position description and even job title. We list them below:
9 job description warning signs.
When potential employers use this phrase, they are euphemistically hiding a toxic, chaotic workplace. It is easier to say “fast-paced” than “out-of-control.”
2.“We don’t ask employees to suck our dicks.”
Then why say that? If a hiring agent states this up front then there was likely a serious dick sucking problem at the office in the recent past.
3.“Comfort with abusive prison situations a plus.”
Don’t fall for this one. You may feel you can handle an abusive prison situation, but this is purposely phrased to be very broad and could include all manner of abusive situations. Ask yourself: “Am I really comfortable in an abusive prison situation?” If the answer is No, then move on to the next job description.
4.“Must suck dicks daily.”
Companies often use this phrase if sucking dicks is a large part of the job. Many job-seekers gloss over this and continue reading the description for benefits and sick leave, but don’t ignore this. It means you will be sucking dicks. Daily.
5.“No pay for dees job. You do it free. Good? Then you hired.”
Who would hire someone in a job description, without ever even meeting them? Think about that for a second. Also, it sounds like they don’t pay you.
6.“Size of asshole must be verified before an offer will be made.”
You need to ask yourself why a potential employer would need to measure your asshole before hiring you.
7.“Limited compensation for those not willing to join clowning guild.”
We’ve seen this one a lot lately and fear it has something to do with clowns.
8.“Are you a motivated, self-starter, who has an executive presence? Want to suck some dicks? We’re looking for someone who will grow with our company.”
Again, the dick sucking requirement is buried in the text. You have to read this stuff carefully.
9.“Salary commensurate with experience. Sucking dicks.”
See what they did? If you hadn’t read this article you’d probably be out there sucking dicks.
The only business news in the universe that matters.