Inspired by “Undercover Billionaire,” legendary businessman Hody Granger ups the game. Can he make a million in one week?
On Discovery Channel’s “Undercover Billionaire,” mega-wealthy entrepreneurs have 90 days to make a million dollars and prove they can make massive success out of practically nothing. Starting with just a beat-up car, their phone, and a hundred dollars, these crafty money-makers must go totally incognito and find ways to build an income and start enterprises that prove out the power of their hustle.
The Intergalactic Business Report thought all of that was pussy. So it asked it’s own business columnist and entrepreneurial genius Hody Granger to take the same challenge—only this time it was with 20 dollars, a bicycle, a beeper, and only one week to make that million. We dropped him off in the rust belt town of Lenore, Indiana and let him do his thing. Below, we chart out Hody’s path to success with his day-to-day diary.
A van drops me and my bike off somewhere in Indiana. I pedal my way to a public park to see if I can find a place to begin my work and maybe catch a few minutes of sleep. The city is small and I am able to find a nice town square, which will be perfect, since it is near the center of business. I find a bench and sit down.
One main problem with the rules the Intergalactic Business Report have given me is that I don’t get a phone. I do have a beeper. But that’s just for people to call me, and since I don’t have a phone, I can’t really call them back. But I didn’t become a legendary entrepreneur by making excuses. Instead, my mind is already generating several money-making ideas.
TIP FROM HODY: “Always be thinking of new ways to make money. Don’t let your mind stop churning. Your next idea may be your best one.”
The first night was kind of rough. I slept on the bench and someone stole my bike. I was also woken up to see if I wanted to have sex by some street people and a guy in a suit who said he’d pay. I laughed and told him I wasn’t into that kind of business proposition!
I have an idea for how to make money. I will approach local businesses and see if they need anyone to clean their warehouses, store rooms, or even toilets. I need to start a base of income to build from.
TIP FROM HODY: “Don’t be afraid of hard work and never think anything is beneath you. Money is money. If you have to clean toilets, clean toilets.”
I talk to fourteen businesses and none of them are hiring, even to clean toilets. I suggest to one of them that I could clean their toilets for free. They ask, “Why would you want to do that?” And I answer, “Just for something to do I guess?”
TIP FROM HODY: “You can offer services for free just to show people you’re not afraid to get your hands dirty. Prove to them that you’re worth their time and money and you’ll get a return.”
My twenty dollars is gone. I spent it on a potato, some gum, beef jerky, and some wonder bread. Beef jerky is fucking expensive. Why the fuck did I buy that? How the fuck is doing whatever they do to make beef jerky make it cost so much? There’s no way they’re not totally over-charging. Wait… A new business idea—I can make my own beef jerky and turn it into a million-dollar business in the next three days!
TIP FROM HODY: “Remember that your million-dollar idea can hit you in one second. Wait for it. It’s coming!”
I’m fucking starving. And that dude in the suit keeps coming back to see if I want to suck his dick. He says he’ll pay twenty bucks. That’s exactly what I started with. But I’m not into sucking guys’ dicks for money! That’s what prostitutes and women I date do! Not me!
TIP FROM HODY: “If you ever have to suck someone’s dick for money, cup the balls. You may get a return customer.”
I have no idea how to make beef jerky. But I am able to put another man’s penis in my mouth and do stuff like that. I guess that’s where I am now. The beeper’s come in handy because people can call it and let me know they’re heading down to the park. It’s blowing up. There might be a line tonight. Better do my mouth exercises.
TIP FROM HODY: “Keep your overhead low. If you suck a dick for twenty dollars in a public park, make sure you’re not spending over twenty dollars a day on other stuff, like beef jerky.”
DAY SEVEN (FINAL DAY!):
I’m excited to see if I’ve reached my goal. It’s been a long journey and one I’ll never forget. As I look back to that first night I spent in the park, I see I’ve come a long way and had to rethink a lot of things I thought about life. Like, for instance, I never thought I’d suck dicks for money.
But the main question remains… Did I make a million dollars in a week?
I made one hundred and seventy-nine dollars for nine blow jobs (one guy only had nineteen dollars) and I sold zero sticks of beef jerky because I gave up on that idea like the first day I thought of it.
I still feel I won the challenge because I was able to value my business at a million dollars, even though I only had about $180 in actual cash. I’m pretty sure one of my customers said my mouth was worth a million dollars or something like that.
TIP FROM HODY: “There’s no one on that ‘Undercover Billionaire’ show who would suck a dick to make money. They’re soft and I’m hard.”
Hody Granger is a legendary entrepreneur and business activist, fighting for the rights of industrialists and business magnates who are misunderstood and under-represented. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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