 With unemployment not being a thing anyone cares about anymore, the Intergalactic Business Report found that employers are desperate to hire and will do almost anything to attract new workers. We scoured newspapers and job listings and share what we found. These excerpts show to what lengths recruiters are willing to go to build their teams.
JOB POSTING: Hiring now! Criminal record? Everyone makes mistakes. We’re willing to listen. Starting salary 125K, 35 hours a week, full benefits. No experience necessary. JOB POSTING: We will SUCK YOUR DICK. That’s right. If you take this job, or even show up for an interview, we will SUCK YOUR DICK. Full benefits, including us sucking your dick. Bonuses every year independent of performance. Attractive people preferred, but we will take whoever. 80K signing bonus. JOB POSTING: Looking for your first job? Stop smoking meth in your parents’ basement and come join our team! Free meth and you can work from your parents’ basement, so why not just take our money? JOB POSTING: Earn a paycheck without working! We will give you 5K a week to not do ANYTHING. That’s right. You do nothing. We pay you. Come on, man. Jesus. Nobody? Really? JOB POSTING: Slap us with your penis. We don’t care. Seriously. Show up to work, take out your dick and slap us. Just show up. That’s all we ask. We’re an accounting firm. No, you don’t need to know how to do accounting. Nothing matters anymore. JOB POSTING: Paid internship. Recent college grads encouraged to apply. Learn how to be an executive by being the CEO of our company for one year. 20 million base salary plus random checks for no reason. May work entirely through your Instagram account. JOB POSTING: Humans welcome to apply but we will take a dog or even inanimate objects with no soul or brain function. JOB POSTING: Benefits include company car for your mom. We will also get you a mom if you don’t have one. Is that what you want? A mom? I’ll be your mom. I’ll be whatever you want me to be. Seriously. Just tell me and I’ll be that.  First impressions matter, and in a job hunt your best foot forward may be your résumé. It’s the embodiment of who you are professionally and gives employers a streamlined view of what you bring to the table.
Some say it’s a superficial document that doesn’t show a candidate’s true potential, but it is still a recruiter’s most valuable tool in weeding out those who just aren’t going to fit. The Intergalactic Business Report worked with* a local recruiter to find out what dissuades her from hiring a prospective employee. We were surprised to learn from her that there are ten phrases that almost automatically eliminate job seekers from contention. We list them below: 1. “Attention overpaid fucksticks.” 2. “This is ___ from the Intergalactic Business Report.” 3. “I am watching you as I write this.” 4. “Please be aware that I am in control now and you must comply to my every wish and command.” 5. “I’m wondering if the position you posted is still as open as my butthole.” 6. “If so, I’m coming in for an interview at wherever you live at a time of my choosing.” 7. “That time is usually between 3 and 4 am and it involves me breaking in through the window well in your basement.” 8. “My required pay is zero dollars and four human souls.” 9. “I think I just shit myself.” 10. “I think I just shat myself because I’m using grammar.” *We sent her a résumé and she sent the cops to our office.  If you read the Intergalactic Business Report, you know we have a knack for being around when conversations between famous people take place. When we hear something, we keep eavesdropping and then transcribe the entire conversation. Check out what happened when one of our writers randomly listened in on a discussion between Elon Musk and Corey Macdonald.
After hearing what they said, you may want to reconsider your whole financial portfolio. COREY: Hey, what up, man? ELON: Hey. COREY: Why are you here? ELON: What do you mean? COREY: You’re Elon Musk, right? ELON: Yeah? COREY: Why are you at Home Depot? ELON: Just getting some stuff. COREY: Like what? ELON: Wood and shit. COREY: Why? ELON: I gotta build some shit in my back yard. COREY: You don’t get guys to do that for you? ELON: You can do that? COREY: What? ELON: Get guys to build shit for you? COREY: You don’t build Teslas by yourself do you? ELON: No. COREY: You get guys to build that shit for you. ELON: I do? COREY: You don’t build em yourself, right? ELON: Build what? COREY: Teslas. ELON: What the fuck are you talking about, man? COREY: You’re Elon Musk, right? ELON: No… COREY: Then why the fuck did you say you were? ELON: I said that? CHECKOUT GUY: Are you going to buy this wood? ELON: Yeah. This guy’s bothering me. COREY: Fuck you, Elon Musk. ELON: Fuck you, Corey Macdonald. I’m buying this fucking store and firing everyone and then hiring new people who never let you in. COREY: I’ll fucking break in then. ELON: No you won’t. COREY: Yeah I will. ELON: I’ll be fucking waiting for you with a fucking baseball bat then. COREY: I’ll bring a sword or something and destroy you. CHECK OUT GUY: Are you gonna buy this? ELON: You’re fucking fired. |
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