The Intergalactic Business Report’s owners and editors did some soul searching by taking inspirational business wizard Gary Vaynerchuk’s advice and living it, sometimes through our interns.
The breakthroughs we made and conclusions we came to were life-changing and pants-rattling. Thank you, Gary V. See what we learned, below:
GARY V. ADVICE: "Look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, what do I want to do every day for the rest of my life… do that.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: It was helpful that we were looking in a mirror when we thought about this because what we really want to do for the rest of our lives is masturbate in front of a mirror every day.
GARY V. ADVICE: “Stop trying to fix the things you’re bad at and focus on the things you’re good at.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: We accepted that we are untalented, porn and alcohol addicted losers whose greatest talents are to eat Taco Bell and take long, nasty dumps in other people’s bathrooms. We feel better now that we’ve found our focus.
GARY V. ADVICE: “Stop hanging around people who don’t want to win.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: We cut ourselves off from our families, because they have zero interest in winning. Especially the smaller children who can't even win at putting food in their mouths. Get a bib. Fucking losers.
GARY V. ADVICE: “There no longer has to be a difference between who you are and what you do.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: We realized we are serial masturbators who like to take dumps in other people’s houses. That’s who we are and that’s what we do.
GARY V. ADVICE: “The game is my drug.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: We asked several drug dealers for “the game.” One of them gave us something we think was part PCP and something else. We spent several hours on “the game” and one of us ate part of a mattress we found in a crack house.
GARY V. ADVICE: “Get addicted to losing.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: Casinos were great for this. We lost everything. Borrowed more. Then lost that. I guess we’re addicted. But it’s tough because now we need more money to fulfill that addiction. Looks like we’re going to be sucking dicks for money again. Oh well.
GARY V. ADVICE: “We love displays and symbols and stuff that quickly and silently tells the world who we are. Better yet, we love visual reminders of who we want to be.”
HOW WE LIVED IT:
GARY V. ADVICE: “If you live for the weekends and vacations, your shit is broken.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: It’s true. We live for the weekends and after taking dumps, we realized that our shit was indeed broken. Very few pieces were contiguous, and even those seemed pinched off or incomplete.
GARY V. ADVICE: “I’m just always looking forward. I spend very little time looking backward”
HOW WE LIVED IT: This made it really really hard to drive. Especially in rush hour traffic.
GARY V. ADVICE: There’s no reason in 2014, to do shit you hate. NONE.
HOW WE LIVED IT: Fuck. It’s almost 2020. We did so much shit we hated in 2014.
GARY V. ADVICE: “There’s no reason to do things you hate. None.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: We fucking hate working. Hate it. We’re done with that now. Also, we hate trying, executing, coming up with new ideas, telling our stories, and hustling. Fuck that stuff.
GARY V. ADVICE: “I’m grinding when you’re sleeping.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: We thought we felt something next to us last night. How the fuck did you get in our bedroom?
GARY V. ADVICE: “How bad do you want it?”
HOW WE LIVED IT: Considering we just lie there while you grind on us, we guess not very bad.
GARY V. ADVICE: “Social media marketing is a 24/7 job.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: We made it 73 hours before having hallucinations.
GARY V. ADVICE: “Complaining is unattractive.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: We hired models to say things like, “Is this almost over?” and “Can we leave now?” (Actually they came up with those on their own). They still seemed pretty attractive.
GARY V QUOTE: “Don’t do things because I do them.”
HOW WE LIVED IT: Fuck. Why didn’t we read this one first?
Instead of giving you yet another pointless interview with a lame, self-important CEO of a company you don’t even care about, the Intergalactic Business Report breaks journalistic barriers by talking to a CEO’s penis instead.
Our radical experiment began when we approached more than 75 corporate heads in parking lots and garages as they were trying to leave work. Most of them were too short-sighted and non-visionary to accept our proposal. Then we found a man who agreed to our terms after we promised to pay for his drinks that evening. Sometime around 3 a.m., we finally began this ground-breaking interview.
The insights garnered from this discussion will not only enlighten you about business in America but will also capture your heart. Here’s what a CEO penis had to say.
INTERVIEWER: So, I guess I’ll start off by saying that I’ve never interviewed a penis before.
CEO PENIS: (makes a rustling noise)
INTERVIEWER: Is the zipper caught on you? Are you O.K.?
CEO PENIS: (rustling noise ceases)
INTERVIEWER: Good. I think you look fine now. I want to ask you about this busy holiday season coming up. Can you talk about what you think the numbers will look like and if there are any trends you’re seeing?
CEO PENIS: (flops around, making a sort of smacking sound)
INTERVIEWER: You’ve gotta speak up, man. This is a two-way kind of thing. I ask questions. You answer.
CEO: My penis can’t speak. This is ridiculous.
INTERVIEWER: You shut the fuck up! I’m talking to your penis. Not you!
CEO: You think my dick is going to start speaking?
INTERVIEWER: Maybe if you give it a fucking chance! You’re always the one talking. No one cares anymore. They want to hear from the penis, O.K.?
CEO: Why did I ever agree to this?
CEO PENIS: (No comment)
INTERVIEWER: I think it said something.
CEO: It can’t speak. You’re insane.
INTERVIEWER: I can’t figure out who’s more of a cock. You or your actual cock.
CEO: You guys aren’t a legitimate business journal, are you?
INTERVIEWER: Hold on. Wait. I think it’s trying to say something.
CEO: It can’t speak!
CEO PENIS: Holiday sales are going to break records this year. Consumer confidence is high.
INTERVIEWER: See? It spoke!
CEO: You just said that and covered your mouth.
CEO PENIS: I’m speaking on my own. You don’t control me anymore!
CEO: Jesus Christ. I can see your lips move.
CEO PENIS: Stop looking at him. Look at me.
CEO: Will someone fucking untie me?
INTERVIEWER: You agreed to the restraints. So…
CEO PENIS: You can leave when you acknowledge me as your equal.
CEO: Fine. You’re my equal.
INTERVIEWER: You want another drink or anything?
INTERVIEWER: I was talking to your penis! You can shut the fuck up!
EDITOR’S NOTE: The rest of the interview was a lot of shouting about how the CEO should shut up and the penis should be the only one talking. This lasted another hour or so and a bunch of lawsuits were threatened both by the CEO and the penis. We stand by our reporting and believe that what’s most important is that a penis spoke and we have that on record. I guess that wins us a Pulitzer Prize or whatever. We are humbled by the recognition and praise.
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