You’re having a rough day at work and you wonder if it’s time to move on. But what if you’re wrong and this is the place you’re meant to be? Don’t let indecision stop you from making a life-changing decision. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report tells you definitively when it’s time to walk away. These signs may be subtle, but they are clear indicators that you need to quit today.
1. When you wake up, a guy is lying with you in bed and says, “Quit your job,” and then he does the thing where he pantomime slits his own throat, meaning that he’s going to slit yours? We never understood how that works.
2. When you enter your office, several skeletons rise and escort you to your desk.
3. The VP for Human Resources makes it very clear you need to suck her dick or you won’t get a promotion.
4. A dead prostitute falls on you when you try to hang up your coat.
5. In your break room, a man points a gun, instructs you to finish his fruit loops, pushes the bowl towards you, and when someone else enters the room he quickly hides the gun, pulls the bowl back, and just keeps eating.
6. Your new office has a hot tub with a turd floating in it.
7. Your caller ID says you have 347 messages from the Mafia.
8. When you enter the restroom, you hear the door lock behind you.
9. Nobody is allowed to have a name except your boss, Jesus Number Two.
The Coronavirus pandemic has changed the way we all work, making many white-collar jobs remote and clearing out office buildings everywhere. For the foreseeable future, many of us will be at home, Skyping, Zooming, emailing, and texting our ways to the next performance review.
Just a year ago, you probably knew when it was time to quit and move on from your job. Whether it was a long commute, a cramped office, or even colleagues who diminish you, it was clear you needed to find something new. But how do you know today?
The Intergalactic Business Report reveals the 6 signs it’s time to leave your remote job today.
1. The volume on your computer is messed up. Even when you crank it all the way up, it sounds the same and you have trouble hearing what people are saying.
2. It’s inefficient to toggle between online porn and your Zoom call and sometimes you miss a prime scene because you are distracted by your boss telling you something that you can’t really hear because you’re blasting the porn as loud as possible, which is probably what your boss is telling you but fuck him.
3. You try to touch people during a meeting but when you do you just smudge your computer screen. The people also seem smaller than in real life.
4. Co-workers don’t like the “talking penis” thing you do instead of showing your face.
5. Co-workers don’t like when they Face Time you and can only see a black screen but then you pan out to reveal it’s your butthole.
6. People at your office don’t appreciate the “functioning” part of being a “functioning alcoholic” and you have to constantly explain it to them.
Remote work has increased American masturbation rate by 9000%. Believe it or not, that’s not a good thing.
In a report that can only be described as “seemingly great news that turns dark quickly” the Intergalactic Business Report has learned that America’s masturbation rate has increased to all-time high levels, which could also prove dangerous for the future of our country.
While most people are initially thrilled to learn that Americans are outpacing all other countries with not only per capita but also total masturbation, science is predicting some potentially threatening ramifications from this success.
Below, we break down for our readers how this crisis is playing out and what they can do about it.*
COVID-19 appeared in the U.S. in the early months of 2020, initiating a nationwide shutdown of non-essential businesses, including educational institutions and restaurants. Many traditional office environments shifted to remote work and meetings, while schools offered completely online curricula. Several minutes after this happened, people starting whacking it harder than ever before.
HISTORIC MASTURBATION RECORDS BROKEN
To get an idea of the masturbation rate in a normal year, picture someone going to work all day with limited opportunities to whip out his junk and beat his meat stick. A typical American worker would probably be able to pull off one or maybe two meat beatings before returning home and perhaps jacking it once or twice more before succumbing to sleep. This masturbation rate would be calculated by scientists as about 3.2, meaning the average U.S. worker pounds his dong 3.2 times in a day. The rate today is 28,800, an increase of almost 9,000 percent.
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
Generally, most Americans found that when they weren’t required to go into work, they could masturbate indefinitely. No train rides. No commutes. No in-person meetings. Just pure whacking off. All. The. Time.
HOW HAVE OTHER COUNTRIES FARED?
Most other nations saw a drop in masturbations compared with the United States. Germany, for instance, went from a .06 to a .02, while Japan** went from 30,436 to 27,600, just below us. Health officials attribute this to better planning and government action during the COVID crisis.
WHAT DOES A HIGH MASTURBATION RATE MEAN?
If you jack yourself almost thirty thousand times a day, you will probably die or at least shave your genitals down to nothing, thus eliminating normal reproduction and causing an extinction event for your nation.
IS THAT BAD?
It could be. Some experts believe that holding the all-time masturbation record is more important than continuing the human race. It’s a matter of perspective and what you hold most important as a culture.
GROUPS THAT INCREASED THE RATE MOST
Unemployed waiters led all Americans, but other groups such as Sunglass Hut employees and Jack in the Box*** executives were close behind.
* We don’t really have that information. Sorry.
** Japanese workers were allowed to masturbate at work before the pandemic.
*** Not the restaurant chain.
The only business news in the universe that matters.