Why rich people don’t talk trash to me. I hang out with rich people, volume your mom. By Darryl Smurten.
I know what you’re thinking. It goes something like this: “Hey, Darryl. You’re one of the coolest people in the entire world and I’m a fucknut compared to you.”
Anyway, my column today is about how I learned to deal with the ultra-wealthy on their level and talk to them in a way that makes me almost better than them. I thought it was important to let people like you understand this because you're always coming up to me and asking if I ever get intimidated or feel in awe of super rich, elite human beings who basically control the world. Short answer: No. Long answer: Fuck no. Here’s why.
When I was much younger, say three years ago, I was invited, as per usual, to an exclusive event with an amazing ocean view in California. It was one of those things where servants scamper around like little trashcans collecting your shit while other servants scamper around bringing you shit. You know, typical.
As I stood there and waited for one of them to bring me a roll of condoms and a baguette (side note, I like to make servants’ lives better by sending them on scavenger hunt type scavenger hunts where if they fail I disgrace them in front of their bosses) I noticed a conversation happening among the host of the event (let’s just call him Brondon*) and some other rich guys. I walked over and joined in immediately.
I’ll stop here to make a very important point. If you ever see supremely wealthy people talking together, and you don’t want to be a total pussy, then you need to intervene right away and show that you’re the most important thing in their conversation. I’ll give you an example: When I walked into the circle of rich guys I stared each of them down separately. I did this by grabbing their faces and then pushing mine very close to theirs. Then I’d move on to the next one.
After about the third guy, Brondon asked what I was doing. Know what I said?
“Brondo… If you ever interrupt me while I’m face checking your guests I will force you to have oral sex with me through the bars of a cage.”
Know what Brondon did?
He called his “security” people and claimed he didn’t know who I was. Total pussy move and one that proved I was the dominant one at the party. Mission completed, I guess.
When I tell this story to people, they usually say something like, “Wow. You’re such a badass.”
Anyway, I was “removed” from the “premises” and sat in the parking lot for a little while before I wrote stuff on people’s luxury cars with my own feces—another power move and one anyone (even you) could play if you want to get over your anxiety about dealing with rich people.
The moral of the story actually came down to three things:
1. I literally took a shit on Brondon (or his car, I think) because he didn’t offer me respect. This means that I won in the end, because my car has never been shit on.
2. The ultra-wealthy pretend they don’t know you if you challenge them. That’s their big weapon. My big weapon? Taking shits on people’s cars.
3. The servant who was supposed to bring me the condoms and the baguette never returned and thus failed at his task. So I found the worst looking car in the parking lot (a Nissan Sentra) whose window was open and took a shit through it, assuming it was the servant’s vehicle.
There were other morals and lessons for sure and I’ve matured a lot since then. For example, I pee on things more now or just burn shit down. I think those are the biggest changes. Oh, and my penis is bigger. I guess that’s it.
In conclusion, I’m glad I could help you and that you appreciated it so much. Until next time I will be saving my poop (just in case) for the next mega-rich party I go to. Ha ha. Just kidding!**
*Actual name is Brandon.
**No I’m not.
Darryl Smurten reports on the mega- and ultra-rich. His up-close insights about how they live provide even common peasants the ability to glimpse, if for a moment, the light of the good life. If you are ultra-rich and don’t know Darryl yet, and would like to invite him to hang out with you, please contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org. Don’t expect him to get back to you right away.
You nailed the interview. You can tell they want you—bad… And now they’re offering you special benefits and perks to entice you to sign right away. As tempting as they might appear, some of these bonuses may not be all they seem. Or maybe they are?
The Intergalactic Business Report outlines 6 common “perks” companies might offer you. Read, exceed, and you will never need.
PERK ONE: Free massages.
WHAT SOUNDS GREAT ABOUT IT: Who doesn’t like a back rub? And for free?
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE IT: At most major corporations and even minor ones, a free back rub entails your boss taking off his shoes and socks and walking on your back while he balances himself with other employees. And he’s naked.
WHY YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE IT: Some people are into overweight middle-aged dudes nude-walking on them. Maybe you are.
PERK TWO: Unlimited free vacation.
WHAT SOUNDS GREAT ABOUT IT: As much vacation as I want? Sign me up!
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE IT: “Vacation” refers to Jeff Vacation the Third, and his brother, Brett Vacation (the First, we guess). They’re free. And you get as much of them as you want.
WHY YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE IT: If you do have sex with the Vacation brothers, they usually take you to Denny’s afterwards and allow you to order a Grand Slam breakfast. It’s kind of a half-joke, half literal description of what they did with you earlier. But you do get a free breakfast.
PERK THREE: Tuition reimbursement.
WHAT SOUNDS GREAT ABOUT IT: If you take college classes, they’ll pay for it. Score!
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE IT: The fine print of these offers almost always reads: “Valid for stripper classes only.”
WHY YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE IT: More and more employees are exploring the option of “side-stripping” after work. You seem like the kind of person who would value that kind of opportunity.
PERK FOUR: Day care services.
WHAT SOUNDS GREAT ABOUT IT: My kids come to work and someone will watch them?
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE IT: “Day care” usually has nothing to do with children or someone else taking care of them. Many businesses use this term to refer to you “servicing” your boss—during the day, which means office hours.
WHY YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE IT: If you don’t mind changing your job title from assistant director of whatever you thought you were going to be doing to executive director of dick sucking, then this is a solid option. Take the job. Then give the job.
PERK FIVE: Open cafeteria.
WHAT SOUNDS GREAT ABOUT IT: So I can forget about paying for lunch? All right!
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE IT: An “open cafeteria” doesn’t mean you’ll stop paying for lunch. You’ll pay. “Open” refers to the boundaries of perversion that an office cafeteria accepts. If your potential employer says that his or her cafeteria is “open” that just means anything goes and safe words are not recognized. Also it’s super hard to eat when people are prodding and groping you.
WHY YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE IT: If you’re into no-boundaries sex with randos, then this is the place you want to be.
PERK SIX: A “nap room” to keep you fresh.
WHAT SOUNDS GREAT ABOUT IT: I get so tired during the day. Now I can snooze!
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE IT: NAP is an acronym for “No limits ass play.”
WHY YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE IT: If you’re into whatever no limits ass play is, then sign on immediately.
As the most reliable source for how to become ultra-wealthy in the fastest time possible, the Intergalactic Business Report has finally done what readers have begged for. A new, exclusive course on billionaire training will focus on the mindset needed to not only be a billionaire, but to stay one.
While the spots for the course are limited, we can give you a preview of the kinds of activities and events the program entails. Below, we excerpt highlights from the different course levels so you get a taste for the knowledge that’s so close to being yours. Want to be insanely wealthy and tell other people what to do? Read on and consider paying us to tell you what to do.
COURSE ONE: Thinking like a billionaire.
DESCRIPTION: In the introductory course to the Billionaire Training Program, IBR coaches take you to our desert retreat and reprogram the way you feel about yourself so that all negative thoughts begin to fade and you see yourself as the champion you could be.
HIGHLIGHTS: We bury you up to your neck in sand and yell at you for being a pussy.
TESTIMONIAL: “After taking course one of the Billionaire Training Program, I felt like a total pussy. I also almost drowned in sand. They’re telling me course two is a lot better, so I signed up for that too. Wish me luck.”
COURSE TWO: Drinking like a billionaire.
DESCRIPTION: Building off course one, we break down your inhibitions and and give you a new mindset as you sample a “taste” of the billionaire lifestyle.
HIGHLIGHTS: We move from the desert sand to a trailer in the desert and where you drink.
TESTIMONIAL: “I guess billionaires drink Coors light and Banker’s Club vodka? I’m so shit-faced as I write this. Why are you guys making me write a fucking testimonial? Stop yelling at me!”
COURSE THREE: Waking up like a billionaire.
DESCRIPTION: After drinking in our desert trailer retreat, you catch some shut eye and wake up feeling like a billion bucks.
HIGHLIGHTS: After a restful sleep, you wake to our coaches’ therapeutic voices as they bring you on a soothing vision quest of enlightenment that ends in a realization of what it takes to be rich.
TESTIMONIAL: “Why doesn’t this trailer have air-conditioning? We’re in the fucking desert. The instructor is pretty clearly drunk and he keeps whispering in my ear and asking if he can borrow money.”
COURSE FOUR: The final journey to being a billionaire.
DESCRIPTION: We walk out to the desert again in a final meeting between nature, you, and your new billionaire self.
HIGHLIGHTS: You take a symbolic “sand shower” that cleanses you of your old, non-productive, and poor ways.
TESTIMONIAL: “These assholes keep throwing sand at me. What the fuck? I paid thirty grand for this?”
If you are interested in our Billionaire Training Program please contact us at email@example.com
Getting fired sucks. But it’s also a great opportunity to reinvent yourself according to the people who fire people. Instead of losing hope, consider any of these 8 amazing “reinvents” the Intergalactic Business Report has “invented” for you.
Stop being you and become:
1. Become the “guy who shops during weekdays, during the day, with all the old people.”
2. Become the “guy who never has any money and needs to borrow it from his friends.”
3. Become the “guy whose insurance policies all lapse because he can’t afford to pay any bills anymore.”
4. Become the “guy who can’t get healthcare and comes up with remedies from the Farmer’s Almanac to cure his diseases.”
5. Become the “guy who does his own dental work on himself.”
6. Become the “guy who lives under that bridge.”
7. Become the “guy who carries all his worldly possessions with him at all times because he doesn’t have anywhere else to put them.”
8. Become the “guy who finds old liquor bottles in people’s trashcans and drinks what’s left.”
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