Dogecoin. Bitcoin. Bit-o-Honey. Cryptocurrency is the new rage among people who want money but don’t want it to be the kind where you can understand how it’s actually money. As prices for these new currencies fluctuate, dip, and bend, many of our readers demand to know the rules of this new economic system.
As the business source of record, the Intergalactic Business Report originally planned to issue an in-depth white paper on the subject to educate and advise you on this trend in your approach to buying, selling, and trading. That was hard.
When we delved deeper and deeper we decided, finally, that it was better to just issue our own cryptocurrency and stop worrying so much about how all of this worked, mostly because it’s all kind of made up anyway. Below, we explain our new currency and how it differs from the others.
FACT SHEET: The new IBR crypto dollar.
When you’re starting out after college, finding your footing on a career track can be daunting. Interview questions that stump you, knowing what to wear, what to say, and how to act, are all major hurdles you need to jump if you want to succeed.
As part of its commitment to young professionals, the Intergalactic Business Report asked an expert* to give some of his best advice for people new to the workforce and seeking a first job. He outlined seven simple, but crucial tips, that we have listed below:
1. You look like shit. What the fuck is wrong with you? You can’t walk into a job interview and look like a hobo. Do you have a fucking tattoo? Oh my god. Cover that shit.
2. What’s going on with your hair? You look like a girl. If she was strung out on drugs and dated men like you.
3. I always knew you wouldn’t amount to much. But this is disappointing even for me.
4. When you think about how much money I spent to send you to college and you came out not being able to complete a sentence. Are you high or something?
5. I don’t know… Maybe you should do manual labor. You can tell the guys at the construction site that you have a degree in something called “Contemporary Issues Management” and they can stare blankly at you.
6. Your mom’s side of the family had a bunch of guys like you. All in mental institutions or drunk. If the job search doesn't turn out, call Uncle Warren. I'm sure he has a spot at his group home for you.
7. I don’t know, Mark. Do you even want to work for a living? Do you? Because I think you’d rather just live in our basement and play video games and get high all day.
CEO fired for taking drugs to boost his performance. We print his apology letter to his board and employees.
Drugs. Do they help or hurt us? This has been the ongoing question since the first time you sniffed glue and passed out in your basement. Experts have argued for years over the possible benefits of hallucinogenic drugs and, recently, a startup CEO was fired for taking LSD to “boost his performance.” This story is not about that guy.
Instead, we focus on CEO Brandon De Florian of Stripf Brands, a multi-national conglomerate. Last month, De Florian was also terminated for his rampant drug use that he also claimed served to enhance his focus and performance as the leader of the corporation. Following his departure, he released a letter to his board and employees. We have reprinted it below:
Dear Stripf employees and members of the Stripf Board:
It is with great sorrow that I write this letter to you. As you know by now, I was asked to leave my position as CEO of Stripf Brands following a disagreement about my use of performance enhancing tools that I believe benefited our company. I am writing today to tell my side of the story.
First, I fully admit to taking “drugs,” which I consider a derogatory and loaded term our culture has devised to make helpful, scientific chemicals seem somehow dangerous and unnatural. This is a stigma I don’t believe I can overcome in a few paragraphs of argument. I can, however, explain my successes in recent years that I can attribute directly to my “drug” use.
Let me begin with my decision to require upper echelon management to identify themselves as law enforcement in case they were on some kind of undercover operation designed to “bust” me. It is my understanding that police must tell you that they are cops. So this was just a legal precaution and nothing else. Taking legal precautions is a good thing and something you’d think a CEO would do all the time, which is what I was doing.
I also received criticism for my conversations with ghost Leprechauns whom I simply used as outside advisors. Many people in my position hire consultants and outside help because internal opinions can be very short-sighted and support the status quo. Ghost Leprechauns like Seamus O’Herlihy and JT Biggins were disinterested and objective sources who gave me insights only dead Leprechauns could. I ask that you keep an open mind on this one.
Further vitriol and misunderstanding came from our board and some team members when I started the Pot of Gold Initiative, requiring my bonus to be $12.5 Million in lottery tickets and that a new division be formed to scratch them off and find the treasure within them. I regret that the company costs for this exceeded $14 million when you count in the employee salaries, including hiring a new Vice-President for ticket scratching and the fact that only $500 (rounded up) was earned by the tickets since most winnings were used to purchase more tickets till we only had $475 left and then I got fired.
While the Pot of Gold Initiative (or POTI) may have looked unorthodox to many of you, what you didn’t see were the two ghost Leprechauns who would appear to me in my nightmares to encourage me to continue the mission. JT Biggins threatened to kill all of you if I didn’t keep doing it and Seamus O’Herlihy, who seemed to take the “good cop” role, promised more riches if I just stayed the course.
I’m sure you can understand that the prospect of losing all of you coupled with the allure of a $400 trillion payout (yes, that’s what they promised) put me in a difficult situation and, honestly, you are all alive, so part of my plan worked. If we had made the $400 trillion, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation right now.
The meth. Let me get in front of that one too. Yes, I took meth, but once most of my teeth fell out, I quit, which I could have done at any time but chose to do when I had no teeth.
Another charge against me was the clown outfits I wore and the screaming. I have a loud voice. Always have. And I think it was something people didn’t notice till I started dressing as a clown (my choice) and voicing my opinions at surprise plant visits and annual stockholder meetings. I think if you check the actual volume of my speech, it could be described as loud yelling, rather than “screaming.”
I should not have tried to fly the company jet. I am not a pilot. I am fully admitting this. I think a lot of us have fantasized about being able to fly and I gave in to that fantasy in a weak moment as our pilots desperately tried to land our plane during a snowstorm and I felt the clouds were making evil snowmen who were damaging the wings. Those pilots are heroes, and I was trying to help them both fight off the snowmen and also fly the plane. I call that being helpful in a crisis. I’m sorry that many of you see it differently.
Let me just finish this by saying something one of my mentors, JT Biggins, once told me. He said, “Beg for your life, Brandon! Or this old Leprechaun will slit yer throat!” That’s the kind of pressure I was under and still am. But I’m willing to do that for you, even if I don’t work there anymore. (I screamed this entire letter, but you can’t tell, by the way.)
One last thing. Marty? Is that your name? Sorry about appearing in the back seat of your car that time. I was trying to sleep. Not murder you like I said.
I bid thee farewell,
Brandon De Florian, former CEO, Stripf Brands
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