 Usually when the Intergalactic Business Report does a year in review article, our purpose is to recycle old stories you never read and link to them so you’ll think about clicking but don’t because why? Come to think of it, why does anyone ever read any “year in review” article? The year just ended. Did you already forget what happened? If you did, you may need a “day in review” article and it should include a lot of stuff about whether you already used the bathroom and put on clothes because that would be useful we’re guessing.
Anyway… Here’s our year in review: We began 2020 in a blissful, Coronavirus- is-a-joke-about-Corona-beer-ha-ha state, so we focused on helping our beloved Gary Vaynerchuck with his messaging; making an impassioned plea for who should really get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame; and informing you about the seven mistakes you may be making when you wipe your butt, which became extremely valuable during the butt-wiping crisis of subsequent months. By March, IBR got serious about COVID-19 with its award-winning coverage of the pandemic. We started with insightful pieces about how corporations were addressing the issue and what the Coronavirus had wiped out forever in our culture. But we went further than just reporting. We also actively searched for and found solutions. Writer Ed Mountaineer tried to beat the virus by becoming the dirtiest man on the planet, and we even contacted an alien race for help. We exposed the “hot beef injection” vaccine scam, and even discovered that Hawaiian Punch may be better than a vaccine. Finally, we found that the cure for the virus may be either shutting the fuck up or ending our tradition of breathing. Along the way, we won awards; opened a controversial merch store; reported on the massive increase in the U.S. masturbation rate; and established our own autonomous zone where we are immune to all laws and judgment. We also finally called out actor Ryan Reynolds for his existence and the country of Germany for its ongoing attitude that it’s better than us. Our greatest accomplishment came when our readership finally passed the 436 Trillion mark, making us the most viewed publication in the universe. We thank you, our loyal subjects, for your continued interest and patience. We believe that 2021 will be a year of magic and delight and we can’t wait to get started.* Until then, don’t just click on the links above. Look through our archives, store, and thought-provoking memes and start becoming a better person today. *We wrote this before it started. Whoops. It sucks already.  Hit send and your job may end... 2020 was a year of Zoom calls and remote work. If you were smart, you honed your out-of-office communications skills to help you thrive in this new environment. If you didn’t, you may be struggling to communicate effectively.
In an effort to preserve your employment, the Intergalactic Business Report shows you what you need to stop saying in your emails because it could cost you your job. Before you hit “send,” make sure your missive doesn’t contain any of these eight job-ending phrases: 1. “Fire me. I fucking hate you. I fucking hate this job. Fire me.” 2. “I am smearing a booger on the screen as I write this to you. Wish you could see it. The booger represents how much I hate this job and how much I wish you would just fire me.” 3. “If you don’t fire me instantly, I will burn down your house. Just kidding. Not about the firing part. Or the burning down your house part. Please fire me.” 4. “As I conclude this email, I want to add that I think you are a devious pecker licker. Just wanted to get that in there. Fire me.” 5. "Oohh. I'm a pervert. I'm a dirty pervert. I expose myself to people in public parks. My goal for this year is to take my penis out at work and put it on people's keyboards when they're not looking. Just thought I'd tell you that. Attached is the report you requested. Let me know if you have any questions about that or about how much of a sexual deviant I am and that you want to fire me." 6. “I haven’t embezzled money from the company yet because I don’t know how. But if I figure it out, I’ll do it. And I’ll sell files to the Chinese or whoever too. Hope that’s cool. No? Am I fired?” 7. “Lastly, if you don’t fire me right now, I will take a dump in your filing cabinet. And if you don’t have one of those, I guess I’ll do it on your computer? Because that’s like a filing cabinet now, in the future or wherever we are? Anyway, fire me.” 8. “Your wife told me you should fire me when she was spotting for me during auto erotic asphyxiation. I think she’s right. What do you think?” |
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