Perception is reality, and it’s also a lot easier. Why spend years working and taking risks to become a bazillionaire when you can just act like one and have everyone kiss your fake ass? The Intergalactic Business Report offers you these exclusive tips on what to do and say so everyone thinks you have money.
DO THIS: Carry around a diamond-encrusted dog collar.
SAY THIS: “Has anyone seen my jaguar? Ha ha. Not my car. I’d never drive a cheap ass Jaguar. I mean my pet.”
DO THIS: Never open your mouth and look like you’re in pain.
SAY THIS: (mumbling) “I just put in four hundred thousand dollars worth of platinum teeth in my mouth and the dentist says not to open it for a week. Can you get me a shake or something?”
DO THIS: Get a bunch of fake money and count it, but far away from people, so they can’t tell. Then light it all on fire when they get closer.”
SAY THIS: “Oh, I thought you were coming over here to steal the million dollars I was counting so I burned it rather than give it to a poor criminal like you.”
DO THIS: Find the name and phone number of a local university president and write it down on a card.
SAY THIS: “If you give me a free lap dance, I’ll take care of your college education. Take this card and call this guy. He’ll hook you up.”
DO THIS: Ask if you can make an emergency phone call on someone’s cell. Then throw it into a body of water or just into the street.
SAY THIS: “Three years ago, I made so much money that I was able to throw my smart phone away and never use it again. It changed my life. Now I’ve changed yours.”
DO THIS: Take a dump in the back seat of someone’s Tesla.
SAY THIS: “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize you actually drove this thing. At my estate, we use these as toilets.”
DO THIS: Run up on someone and start dry humping their leg. Then looked confused when they pull away or try to hit you.
SAY THIS: “Hold on. Hold on! Huge misunderstanding. I thought you were one of my servants. Are you for hire, gentle squire?”
You’ve finally completed your email. It’s ready to go. Almost… You just need to find a way to sign off and add your name. It seems simple, but as you consider the possibilities, your anxiety takes over. Do you say, “Thanks”? Weak. Or maybe, “Sincerely”? Is this a letter you wrote to your pen pal in first grade? You want to say, “Love” but this isn’t to your mom.
So what do you do? You could just stop using email or you could listen to our recommendations for how to not only sign off with confidence, but to do it with power you aren’t qualified to wield. Below, the Intergalactic Business Report lists nine psychologically tested ways to end that email and make the recipient your bitch.
THE POWER WARNING SIGN OFF:
If you tell anyone about this, I’ll know,
THE LEAVE THEM WANTING MORE SIGN OFF:
Willing to suck your dick,
THE HIGH PRESSURE SIGN OFF:
Yes, this is a murder threat,
THE PROXIMITY REMINDER SIGN OFF:
I can be at your house in five minutes,
THE HOPELESS ROMANTIC SIGN OFF:
Willing to go to prison for love,
THE “GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE” SIGN OFF:
This email is coming from inside your house, GET OUT NOW!,
THE STRAIGHT UP HONEST SIGN OFF:
I can’t make you love me, but I can hold you in my basement,
THE MYSTERIOUS SIGN OFF:
No one wants to see dead kittens so don’t test me,
THE REFERENCE TO A RAP SONG THAT DOESN’T EXIST SIGN OFF:
Money, bitches, mint chocolate chip ice cream,
IBR year in review. We defied the critics by keeping you informed while staying drunk for an entire year.
Usually when the Intergalactic Business Report does a year in review article, our purpose is to recycle old stories you never read and link to them so you’ll think about clicking but don’t because why? Come to think of it, why does anyone ever read any “year in review” article? The year just ended. Did you already forget what happened? If you did, you may need a “day in review” article and it should include a lot of stuff about whether you already used the bathroom and put on clothes because that would be useful we’re guessing.
Anyway… Here’s our year in review:
We began 2020 in a blissful, Coronavirus- is-a-joke-about-Corona-beer-ha-ha state, so we focused on helping our beloved Gary Vaynerchuck with his messaging; making an impassioned plea for who should really get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame; and informing you about the seven mistakes you may be making when you wipe your butt, which became extremely valuable during the butt-wiping crisis of subsequent months.
By March, IBR got serious about COVID-19 with its award-winning coverage of the pandemic. We started with insightful pieces about how corporations were addressing the issue and what the Coronavirus had wiped out forever in our culture.
But we went further than just reporting. We also actively searched for and found solutions. Writer Ed Mountaineer tried to beat the virus by becoming the dirtiest man on the planet, and we even contacted an alien race for help. We exposed the “hot beef injection” vaccine scam, and even discovered that Hawaiian Punch may be better than a vaccine. Finally, we found that the cure for the virus may be either shutting the fuck up or ending our tradition of breathing.
Along the way, we won awards; opened a controversial merch store; reported on the massive increase in the U.S. masturbation rate; and established our own autonomous zone where we are immune to all laws and judgment. We also finally called out actor Ryan Reynolds for his existence and the country of Germany for its ongoing attitude that it’s better than us.
Our greatest accomplishment came when our readership finally passed the 436 Trillion mark, making us the most viewed publication in the universe.
We thank you, our loyal subjects, for your continued interest and patience. We believe that 2021 will be a year of magic and delight and we can’t wait to get started.* Until then, don’t just click on the links above. Look through our archives, store, and thought-provoking memes and start becoming a better person today.
*We wrote this before it started. Whoops. It sucks already.
2020 was a year of Zoom calls and remote work. If you were smart, you honed your out-of-office communications skills to help you thrive in this new environment. If you didn’t, you may be struggling to communicate effectively.
In an effort to preserve your employment, the Intergalactic Business Report shows you what you need to stop saying in your emails because it could cost you your job. Before you hit “send,” make sure your missive doesn’t contain any of these eight job-ending phrases:
1. “Fire me. I fucking hate you. I fucking hate this job. Fire me.”
2. “I am smearing a booger on the screen as I write this to you. Wish you could see it. The booger represents how much I hate this job and how much I wish you would just fire me.”
3. “If you don’t fire me instantly, I will burn down your house. Just kidding. Not about the firing part. Or the burning down your house part. Please fire me.”
4. “As I conclude this email, I want to add that I think you are a devious pecker licker. Just wanted to get that in there. Fire me.”
5. "Oohh. I'm a pervert. I'm a dirty pervert. I expose myself to people in public parks. My goal for this year is to take my penis out at work and put it on people's keyboards when they're not looking. Just thought I'd tell you that. Attached is the report you requested. Let me know if you have any questions about that or about how much of a sexual deviant I am and that you want to fire me."
6. “I haven’t embezzled money from the company yet because I don’t know how. But if I figure it out, I’ll do it. And I’ll sell files to the Chinese or whoever too. Hope that’s cool. No? Am I fired?”
7. “Lastly, if you don’t fire me right now, I will take a dump in your filing cabinet. And if you don’t have one of those, I guess I’ll do it on your computer? Because that’s like a filing cabinet now, in the future or wherever we are? Anyway, fire me.”
8. “Your wife told me you should fire me when she was spotting for me during auto erotic asphyxiation. I think she’s right. What do you think?”
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