Dear team members at _____:
I want to take a moment to thank you all for your outstanding commitment to our company. You’ve helped make this year one of the most profitable ever. Because of you, this place succeeds. You deserve a round of applause.
You’re probably asking why I’d send a message like this around to all 14,476 employees at _____. That’s a lot of stamps and envelopes. As many stamps as there are you. Think about that for a moment. It’s like each one of you is a small piece of material that I can lick and stick on something whenever I want. And you’re worth like thirty-five cents. Wait, someone’s telling me stamps are fifty-cents now. What? You’re worth fifty-cents? That’s amazing. Congratulations.
At any rate, the reason I wanted to send this was because soon it will be Thanksgiving. And that’s a time for many of you to be with your families and give thanks for all your blessings. I hope that one blessing you will be thankful for is your ability to take money from our company to feed your children and overweight spouses. Just kidding! You don’t take the money. You work for it. I know that.
Even though sometimes I have to wonder how someone can show up for maybe eight hours a day, spend three of those hours just talking to friends and looking at internet memes, spend an hour and a half at lunch, spend another hour just sending emails to other people asking them to do work for them, and then spend the last two and a half hours in meetings and taking dumps. Kind of makes me wonder how the fuck we make money. I mean, I said this is the most profitable year ever right? How the fuck is that possible?
So… Again…. It’s Thanksgiving and you’re probably going to take time off for that. Or maybe we give you time off. Is it a federal holiday or something? Someone’s checking to see if this is something we actually need to do or just do to be nice. I’ll let you know.
What am I doing for Thanksgiving? Glad you asked. Probably watching a bunch of ESPN and maybe using that new Swedish fake vagina thing I made my assistant buy me. I don’t know. We’ll see. Also, I’ll probably get a haircut? This is something none of you understand about the life of a CEO. We’ve got to get haircuts like all the time. I mean ALL THE TIME. Can’t grow it long. Can’t let it go. Can’t grow a fucking beard. Definitely not. Can’t have the little scruff. No way. That’s for you assholes.
I’m just gonna come out and say this right now. Fuck you. Fuuuuuuuuck you. Jesus. I can’t believe I just got that off my chest. Seriously. Go fuck yourselves. My Thanksgiving is a haircut and fake sex. Yeah. I know. I could probably have real sex. I could. I could get a high-priced hooker or even just sexually harass the shit out of a hot employee till they finally gave in. I could do that. But I don’t. Because I care about you. But, having said that, I still think you should all go fuck yourselves.
O.K. My limo is here. Keep making us money, I guess.
CEO and President, __________.
As an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report, I’m often asked to write about my opinion. I always joke that opinions are like blueprints for sex machines you can’t figure out how to build because you’re the one who came up with the blueprints and don’t really what a blueprint is—everyone’s got one!
Anyway… This week I thought I’d delve into something that’s been on my mind for quite a while and that’s the fact that people won’t give me their money.
It's a complicated subject that really shouldn’t be complicated. To make it as simple as possible, I’ll just say this: You should give me your money. But, in case that isn’t simple enough for you, I’ve listed eleven iron-clad reasons why you should. Please read them. Then give me your money.
1. Most of the great ideas of the last ten or twenty years were originally mine but I never said anything. Instead, I just let people go on and make money off them. I never asked for royalties, recognition, or even free stuff. I just sucked it up and watched everyone get rich. Now I’m here to cash in and take my cut of just like maybe 10% of the Gross Domestic Product, whatever that is.
2. Sometimes, when people do give me their money, they think I am mugging them because I often grab them and say, “Give me your fucking money!” I want to go on the record that the people who gave it to me because they thought I was threatening them should now come out and give me more money, but this time just because they want to.
3. There are a lot of things you can invest your money in. I’m better than that. Mostly because I offer zero percent return on your investment. Think about it. You no longer need to worry about whether your money is “making you money” because that doesn’t even sound like it makes sense anyway. Instead of the stress and anxiety of whatever making money on an investment is, you could just hand it to me and be done with it.
4. Sometimes, when I ask for peanut butter, I accidentally say “Penis Butter.” Am I the only one who does that?
5. Unlike people who need money, I just want it. That is a more pure vision than those other people. Need is begging. Want is being in charge. Put me in charge of your money.
6. There is an ancient prophecy that foretells that anyone who gives me money will make tenfold the amount they gave me. It also says that when you do make all that extra money, I will show up and ask for it. So try to make like twenty-fold, so you’ll have something left over.
7. You don’t have to just give me cash. Right now, I’m really into music royalties, back end movie money, and digital art. If you have any of those, please don’t be embarrassed to give them to me instead.
8. Even if you don’t have a lot of money, every little bit counts. Only have a hundred bucks? Twenty bucks? I’ll take whatever. Just don’t tell me you don’t have at least twenty fucking dollars because that’s a fucking lie.
9. I communicate with animals and they all tell me you should give me money. Have a dog or cat or some other animal living in your house that you think loves you? That same pet just told me they will never go to heaven unless you give me your money. The universe is cruel, I know.
10. Money is fake anyway. It’s really like giving me air and me saying, “Thanks for the fake nothing.” Only instead you’re handing me hundred-dollar bills and gold coins.
11. Penis spelled backwards is sinep. My dog told me to write that. It means absolutely nothing but he makes me do shit like that so I’ll look crazy. What a dick.
You’ve discovered what’s surely your dream job and you’re a finalist for the position. You want to tell your future employers that you’ll do anything to be hired… but watch out.
As the number one authority on human resources practices and advice, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals some of the most common things prospective employees blurt out when they try too hard to close the deal. If you say any of these 8 things, you may come off as too desperate and actually blow your chances.
1. “I’ll suck your dick. I’ll suck your dick, man! Just give me this job and I’ll suck your dick…every day… O.K.? Do I get the job?”
2. “I don’t need money. I just need a place to sleep. Like at my desk. And I don’t need health care. I don’t plan on getting sick ever. I may need to shower, but that’s cool if I can’t use the bathroom. I’ll just try to find a rest area or something, which will be convenient because I’ll be living out of my car.”
3. “I’m willing to not just suck your dick, but the dicks of all your friends too. I will just spend my day sucking dicks for you… Does that work? Will you please hire me now?”
4. “I can fit more than one dick in my mouth, in case you’re wondering. That means if you give me this job, I can probably stuff like two or three or maybe even four in there. When do I start?”
5. “I’m not opposed to donkey sex shows starring me and I’m willing to move to Mexico, or wherever, if that’s where you need me to do a donkey sex show.”
6. “I can see you’re considering what to say to me next. I’m going to stop you right there. Just whip out those dicks, and I can show you why I’m the perfect person for the job. Don’t have a dick? I can do other stuff too. Just give me the job. Ha ha. Did you hear what I just said? Give me the job? Like a blow job? Ha ha. But seriously. Please let me give you a blowjob. And then give me the other, real job, too.”
7. “Do you need drugs? I can get you drugs. I’ll go out on the street and find some. You have something you need covered up? I can do that. I’ll kill someone. Is that what you need? Is that what you fucking need?”
8. “I’m probably the only employee you’ll ever have who’s cool with being filmed taking a dump. I consider that ‘taking one for the team.’ Get it? Do you want to film me taking a dump? I can do it right now. Right here. Oh, man. Too late. I just shit my pants.”
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