In an Intergalactic Business Report podcast, our editor, Dusty Latouffe, said that I was hard to get to know because I distance myself from anyone I don’t consider to be mega wealthy. That hurt.
Let me get something straight. I don’t hate poor people because, from my point of view, that would mean hating 99.999999999% of human beings and that would be crazy, right?
I’ll admit it’s true that I spend almost all my time with the most successful and rich humans on the planet. That’s my thing. Don’t try to take it away or judge me for it. Your thing might be being poor and watching football games on t.v. I don’t know and I don’t care. The point is, we can respect each other even if we feel disgust and an urge to vomit when I think about your horrid lives and what you need to do every day just to exist. But that’s what respect is all about. So have some.
I want to tell a story that I think will make my point better than anything else. And in the end, I’m going to give you four ways you can feel rich even though you’re not. (If you’re one of my ultra-rich friends, and you’re reading this, this obviously isn’t intended for you. This is for all the poor people.)
Anyway, I was on a helicopter with my good friend Jacques (as always, I’m making up that name, and making it sound French as a disguise). We were flying over the alps and I asked if we could just jump out and have the pilots find us later.
Jacques, who was being a douche that day for some reason, looked at me like I was crazy. He explained that it would be too dangerous and even questioned why I would come up with such a stupid idea. At that point, I found a fucking parachute and jumped out.
The moral of the story? I did what I thought was right and I succeeded. The next day some “search party” found me and I threatened to sue Jacques as a half-joke but also to teach him a lesson about being such a dick.
During my time wandering around the alps for a day, I learned a lot about myself and about the super rich.
1. Why didn’t they put food inside the parachutes? They look like backpacks anyway, and they could hold caviar, alcohol, little sandwiches, or whatever. I was fucking starving and pissed when they found me. Strike one.
2. Jumping out of the helicopter was awkward and even felt a little dangerous. Why didn’t they build a little “jumping” platform on the side, so guests could easily parachute when they wanted to? Seems like a minor thing, but it could make a big difference. And it’s not like Jacques couldn’t afford it. Because he was thoughtless, I scraped my ankle when I jumped. Guess I have to add that to the lawsuit. Strike two.
3. When the search party found me, they weren’t very celebratory. I expected some kind of party when they arrived. They could have easily set up a tent and had drinks and music and some fucking food. But instead they all looked poor and worried and took me away on some shitty snowmobile. Strike three. You’re out.
I know I promised you those four ways you could feel rich even though you’re not. But, since I’m heading to an elite jam where only rich people are welcome, I’ve run out of time. So, I guess I would advise you to just look within for those answers. And pick four of them. My limo’s here. Later days.
Darryl Smurten reports on the mega- and ultra-rich. His up-close insights about how they live provide even common peasants the ability to glimpse, if for a moment, into the light of the good life. If you are ultra-rich and don’t know Daryl yet, and would like to invite him to hang out with you, please contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org. Don’t expect him to get back to you right away.
Ever wonder what the difference between you and a billionaire is? The obvious answer is “a billion dollars,” but considering your credit card situation, it may be even more. Despite your ridiculous poverty, you still have a chance to learn how to “think rich,” and, who knows, maybe that will get you out of your crappy life. Probably not, but, as we just said, who knows?
In an exclusive survey with some of the world’s top billionaires, the Intergalactic Business Report has found one commonality between them all. The mega rich say six things to themselves each and every morning. Is this the difference between being you and being them? Short answer: yes. Long answer: No.
Here’s what rich people say after they roll out of their luxury beds:
1. “I think I overslept. Oh, wait, it doesn’t matter because I’m so fucking rich. I’m going back to sleep.”
2. “I'm going to fucking kill my butler if he does my eggs wrong today.”
3. “I think I’m going to deposit more money in my bank account. Oh, I forgot. The bank can’t fit any more of my money.”
4. “I could spend every day literally burning my money, and somehow I’d make money doing it.”
5. “I should probably give all my money away. To myself. Oh, I already did that. Where’s my fucking butler with my eggs?”
6. “I could either pay to have an actual eight and a half inch penis, or I could pay everyone I know to just say I have an eight and a half inch penis. I think I’ll do both.”
1. Don’t ever end an email by saying, “Fuck off, fuckmouth.” “Fuck off,” followed by most other insults is usually fine. Just don’t use the term “fuckmouth” because it’s considered very offensive by some people.
2. Don’t start an email by saying, “Wassup, hoes?” Hoes are used for gardening. Just say “Sup, hookers?” or “Read this, dumb mother fuckers!” These are more polite, will engage the reader, and make him or her think, “O.K., this sounds important.”
3. Never confess to crimes, even ones you didn’t actually commit. Just a bad move in general, because you’ve basically admitted to doing something against the law, signed it, and it now can be used as evidence against you. And yet, we do this almost every day when we email.
You’re interviewing for a job. Everything seems fine as you start spacing out when future boss people ramble on about whatever nonsense your new job will be. But their blather could be a clue about how awful your work environment will be. Tune back in for a moment and see if they utter any of these warning phrases. Then run immediately because their goal is to turn you into their sex slave.
PHRASE: We’re a big happy family.
TRANSLATION: We’re into orgies.
PHRASE: We work hard and play hard.
TRANSLATION: We’re into orgies.
PHRASE: Do you check your email on weekends?
TRANSLATION: I’m going to send you porn as soon as “work hours” are over.
PHRASE: We offer a great benefits package.
TRANSLATION: The benefits of this job are my “package.”
PHRASE: When do you think you could start?
TRANSLATION: When do you think you could start sucking my dick?
PHRASE: We believe in a work-life balance.
TRANSLATION: We’re into orgies.
PHRASE: We take care of our employees.
TRANSLATION: By having sex with them.
PHRASE: I really believe in what we’re doing here.
TRANSLATION: I'm so hard right now I think I’m going to pass out because all the blood in my body is in my penis.
PHRASE: We can offer you a signing bonus.
TRANSLATION: Of you sucking my dick.
PHRASE: We want you to come to work here.
TRANSLATION: We are devil worshipers and you will be sacrificed. After we have sex with you.
PHRASE: You get three weeks vacation.
TRANSLATION: “Vacation” is sucking our dicks. And we expect you to do that for three weeks.
Every time you see your “best” friend get a promotion, buy a new summer house, or drive up in his sick new ride, you tell yourself that money isn’t everything. And that makes you feel better. For a second. Till you see him drive away in his Lambo to the coast for a beach bonfire party at his ocean view mansion. Then you feel sick. The surprising reason for your nausea is the topic of an exclusive investigation by the Intergalactic Business Report.
It turns out that money is everything, contrary to your fleeting and unrealistic attempt to rationalize your poorness. Don’t believe us? Consider these six facts.
1. Money provides you shelter, food, and entertainment. In contrast, your positive attitude, hopefulness, and kindness provide an empty void of nothingness that benefits no one and is swept away like a gnat in the wind.
2. Money pays for things that make us feel great about ourselves. Picture yourself drinking a huge fruity cocktail in a penthouse as you look down on the ant people beneath you. Money bought that. Fake pretending that you have it all because you've got “love” buys you a spot in a homeless shelter. If you get there on time.
3. Money can be used to influence, bribe, and change people’s minds about virtually anything. Example: Do you hate me? How about after I give you a million dollars? That’s what I thought. Now try this: Hate me? How about after I try to hug you with some of my “love”? Oh, you hate me more? We rest our case…
4. Money can make us better people. Think about it. How much does plastic surgery cost? How about private trainers, charm tutors, and a college education? Try doing any of that on a crossing guard’s salary.
5. Money makes waiters and waitresses wait on you. Do you think they’d be so nice and bring you food if you didn’t pay them? Now go eat some of your “love” and tell us how it tastes. Like shit? We thought so.
6. “Love” costs money. Remember the term “free love”? That was bullshit. Example: Do you love me? No? How about for a million dollars? Oh, you do now? Again, case rested.
How many times have you said it? “If I were only a multi-millionaire everything would be easier.” It’s true. Having incredible amounts of money can completely change your game. It brings you confidence, pride, and respect. Oh, and it also makes it much easier to have sex with whoever you want. So why not try it? What’s holding you back? Answer: you don’t know where to begin.
The Intergalactic Business Report walks you through the five simple steps it takes to have it all. And you can do it by the end of this afternoon. Don’t believe us? Just read on:
STEP ONE: To have money, you need money. We’ve all heard that tired old saying. But did you know that if you have money you don’t need money? Think about that for a second. To be a multi-millionaire. You need to think like one. And that begins with saying to yourself, “I’m a multi-millionaire” again and again. Like fifty times. Say it.
STEP TWO: Now that you have the mindset, it’s time to start accumulating wealth, fast… See how much money you have in your pockets and put it out on your table or desk. Count it. Is it a million dollars? Probably not. Which brings us to lesson two. Multi-millionaires don’t carry millions of dollars in their pockets. Go to step three to find out where they do put it.
STEP THREE: If you have millions, you put that money in a bank or possibly in investments, like stock and bonds. Let’s just keep it simple and put your millions in a bank. If you don’t have a bank account, go start one now. If you do have one, then you’re a step ahead. Good job. Now go to step four.
STEP FOUR: Deposit at least two million dollars in the bank. We say “at least” because you can’t technically be a multi-millionaire if you don’t have at least two million dollars. “Multi” means “many.” So make sure you’re careful on this.
STEP FIVE: After you’ve made the deposit, wait for the money to show up in your account. While you’re doing this, we suggest you find romantic partners that are to your liking. Remember, we’re trying to get this done by the end of the afternoon, so you may have to move quickly. Just go anywhere and talk about how much money you have. If no one responds immediately, move on to another place. Hurry. We’re trying to get this done today.
CONCLUSION: Congratulations on being a multi-millionaire. It’s really an amazing accomplishment and you’ve done it in such a short time. Oh, and your girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever is so awesome. Where did you guys meet? Oh really? That’s so cool. Oh, you quit your stupid job because you’re so rich now? I wish I could do that. What? I can? By the end of this afternoon? Please tell me how.
The 5 secrets the ultra-wealthy use to manage their time. (And why you are poor because you don't use them.)
Did you get up this morning and not know what day it is? Do you regularly miss your own birthday or forget to wash yourself? Do you write lists and then accidentally use them as toilet paper?
If you answered yes to any of these, or even spent time reading them, you are probably not ultra-rich. We won’t get into how poor you are, but once you’re below a certain level, it doesn’t really matter. Let’s just call the cut off to being ultra-rich is if you have to lease your yacht. In your case, you probably lease your car, so… You get the point.
The Intergalactic Business Report has uncovered astounding new evidence that your poorness and lack of success come almost one hundred percent from poor time management. That’s right. All the stuff we listed in the first paragraph plus all the other dumb things you do to waste your life when you could be lapping up luxury.
The good news is that we reveal the five secrets to time management that can change you from total loser to one of the richest humans on the planet. Do these and watch the instant results.
1. Have a butler or assistant who “controls” time for you. Many super wealthy people take the guess work out of time management by having a “timekeeper” who watches clocks and reminds them, constantly, about appointments and commitments they need to keep. These can be as small as going to the bathroom or as big as getting drunk with friends on a non-leased yacht.
2. Have a watch with so many diamonds that it constantly draws your attention. Very rich people often have jewel-encrusted watches, which are so amazing looking that it’s almost impossible to keep your eyes off them. The great news is that these watches also tell time. So, when you gaze over at your $750,000 (minimum) time piece, see what the clock on it says. Now you’re keeping track of what hour and minute it is in your day and can tell, for instance, that your servant is ten minutes late bringing your caviar or feeding your exotic beast with a platinum collar.
3. Bribe officials to change the world time by a few minutes here or there. If you’re really late for something, or if you just want to fuck with the universe, there’s always the option of bribing the people who keep official world time. Only the super wealthy have the ability to locate them, but for enough money they will set everyone’s clocks forward or backward several minutes. If you’ve ever thought you were on time for something and then suddenly realized you’re super fucking late or super fucking early, it’s probably because a rich guy called in a time change.
4. Put yourself in a position where all the things you need to get done are done by other people. This brilliant technique is applied by mega-rich people every day. The trick is to pay people to do everything and anything that may be on your “to do” list. That way, it’s their responsibility to keep track of time and deadlines.
5. Have so much money that if you are late or miss a deadline you can just tell everybody to fuck themselves and it won’t matter. This one’s pretty self-explanatory, but we’ll give an example. Say that Derk von Frunchenstein (a zillionaire) tells a company board that he’s going to be at their nine a.m. meeting on October twelfth. He doesn’t show up. The board asks why he wasn’t there. He says, “go fuck yourselves.” They say, “O.K.”
The only business news in the universe that matters.