 According to things we recently heard, Twitter might begin fact-checking tweets it feels are erroneous or deceptive. This prompted the Intergalactic Business Report to immediately issue an open challenge to fact check any of our assertions or claims. As the greatest source for information in the universe, the Intergalactic Business Report operates with a knights-of-the-roundtable like integrity and stands by the following prize-winning reports and articles: Some patients are now dying twice from Coronavirus. Special exposé: alternative dimension discovered in my pants. By Cedric Bigglestone. Baby signed to U.S. Soccer Development Academy. Breaking genetics news: You are probably related to yourself. Exclusive first ever interview with the actual devil.  Stop doing whatever this is... In these volatile economic times, investors spend their days worrying about stocks that skyrocketed yesterday dropping to oblivion tomorrow. The stress and pressure of a market that changes course more frequently than an Uber driver on PCP who’s deciding between whether he’s going to take you somewhere to kill you or offer you sex, the U.S. stock market is a dangerous game. Enter the Intergalactic Business Report Stock Exchange, controlled entirely by us. We’ve re-worked the negativity of the traditional market and turned buying and selling stocks into something where everyone wins. Sound too good to be true? Then read our Q and A list below before you invest. Q. Is starting a new stock market legal? A. What a stupid fucking question. Why do you care? It’s not your stock market. It’s ours. Worry about your own shit. Q. How does your stock market work? A. You give us money. That money goes into our stock market. That money turns into more money. We both get rich. Q. What companies are participating in the IBR Stock Exchange? A. Good ones. Really good ones. Unfortunately, we can’t tell you which ones because that would violate attorney client privilege. Q. If you can’t tell me which companies are on your exchange, how can I decide where to invest my money? A. You just give us the money. We do the rest. Q. And my investment just keeps going up? A. That’s right. Unlike the normal stock exchange, any money you invest in the IBR Stock Exchange can only go up. Q. Sounds too good to be true. A. That’s not a fucking question. This is a fucking Q and A sheet. Not a “Statement” sheet where you can just say whatever the fuck you want. Q. How much money should I start investing? A. Probably all of it. Q. If my money only goes up, what’s the rate of return? A. “What’s the rate of return?” Who the fuck are you? Do you want to make money or do you want to be president of the high school investment club? Next question. Q. Will this get me laid? A. Yes. Absolutely. Q. Can I buy a mansion or boat now? A. Yes. Go ahead and get both. Q. If I have a penis, will this make it larger? A. You can expect growth in the range of two to four inches.  The pristine doorway to IBR opens today. The Intergalactic Business Report has decided to slowly re-open today following CDC guidelines.* It’s important for our readers to understand that their safety is our primary concern and that we are taking the following precautionary measures to ensure your health while you read IBR online. 1. All editors, writers, interns, and staff wear protective masks while writing content for our publication. 2. Our bottles of lube once used solely for masturbation have been replaced by hand sanitizer (which burns, by the way). 3. While none of our team works in a communal “office” at this time, each has agreed to place mannequins throughout their homes and avoid going near them. 4. No, “unsanitary” or “dirty” language is allowed in any IBR writing, until further notice. This, we feel, creates a psychologically “clean” place for us to work, create, and form our best thoughts and ideas. Unsanitary language would include words and terms like, “Fat cock sucker,” or “Butthole licker.” It would also encompass sayings and phrases such as, “Stop tickling my dick hole” or “You dumb shit-eating ass eater!” and questions like, “Where can I buy a one- way ticket to fuck town?” Plus some other things. 5. “Pretend touching” where you imagine there is another person in the room with you and you touch him/her, is now banned for IBR staff. 6. Sex dolls may no longer be shared and may only be used in totally monogamous person to sex doll relationships. Having said that, both parties are required to wear masks. 7. Toilet paper has been replaced by Clorox wipes. (Which burn, by the way.) *CDC, also known as the Cock Draggers Club, is for men who seek to obtain monster penises through enhancement surgery and by creating video game avatars with enormous schlongs who represent them in a fantasy world.  Just because there’s a viral pandemic doesn’t mean business is going to stop. In fact, according to the Intergalactic Business Report (us) there are more deals to be had than ever. Whatever you’re selling, you need to follow new rules to appeal to customers and partners. We tell you how to close any deal in the midst of the economic shutdown. We walk you through an example conversation you can have with the big fish you want to land. I. The open. Start the conversation with some friendly small talk. Mention Zoom if you can and put in a compliment. YOU: Jerry! So cool to Zoom with you! PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: Hey, Ted. Great to see you too. YOU: Did you lose some weight or something? PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: Yeah, I guess a little bit. I’ve been trying to eat healthy while we’re all on lockdown. YOU: Yeah, me too. II. Establishing trust. Let the other guy bring up business. This way you don’t sound like you’re only there for money. PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: So, Ted, what can I do for you? YOU: Nothing, Jerry. Just called to talk! Haw haw haw! PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: So funny, Ted. But I know you really wanted to talk to me about a business deal. YOU: Sure. We can talk business. If you insist! PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: O.K. I’ve only got five minutes before my next call, so shoot. III. Make an irresistible offer. YOU: I think I may have cured the Coronavirus. PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: What? YOU: Yeah. You want in? PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: In for what? A cure for the Coronavirus? YOU: Yes. I’m calling you first, because I wanted to give you an opportunity to get in before anyone else. IV. Expect a little resistance. And roll with it. PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: Ted, no offense, but I’m a little confused. YOU: That’s O.K. I know. I don’t have a medical background. And I’m not a scientist. And I don’t work for a pharmaceutical company. PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: My wife told me you sell garden gnomes and … YOU: I sell high end outdoor lifestyles. PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: I really have to get moving. Maybe we can talk about this at the next family reunion. YOU: We’re not gonna have a “next family reunion,” Jerry… Not if we don’t cure the Coronavirus. PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: Ted, I’m going to be honest. I met you briefly at a cookout. My wife told me you were a distant cousin who sold garden gnomes or something and I told her I’d talk to you for five minutes about a business deal. We’re almost done here. I’m very glad you think you’ve cured Coronavirus. Maybe you should take this to someone in the medical community. V. Play your Ace. YOU: I wasn’t going to bring this up, but I have video of you whacking off. PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: What? YOU: It would be super embarrassing if a video of you whacking off got out there. PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: Are you blackmailing me? YOU: That sounds racist. PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: What? YOU: Jerry, you’re a racist masturbator. You are so fucked up. PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: I’m hanging up now. VI. Close the deal. YOU: So, I guess I’ll put you down for a million dollars worth of Coronavirus cures? PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: … YOU: And you can just make that check payable to Ted _____. Is that good? PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: … YOU: I really feel good about this and I’m glad we were able to close this deal on a Zoom call. PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: …. YOU: I’m a fucking millionaire now. PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: … YOU: So fuck you! I always thought you were so stuck up, but now I’m rich! PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: … YOU: See you at the family reunion, I guess. |
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