 You’ve almost closed the deal, and all that’s left is the handshake—the final moment that seals the negotiations and makes you rich. Instead of going limp-wristed into this crucial phase of the game, take some advice from our expert deal-closers at the Intergalactic Business Report. Below we give you seven things to say as you join hand flesh with your counterpart. Follow these precisely and don’t listen to your inner voice saying, “Don’t do any of these.” It’s wrong. Please note, all these should be whispered so that it’s just between you and your hand-shaking partner. DEAL CLOSER ONE: “With this grasp of palms you seal your bond with Satan forever.” DEAL CLOSER TWO: “I didn’t wash my hands after a massive dump. Shaking my hand is like wiping my ass. With your hand. Kind of.” DEAL CLOSER THREE: “In my dreams I’ve kissed your lips a thousand times.” DEAL CLOSER FOUR: “Now you’re my boyfriend?” DEAL CLOSER FIVE: Don’t say anything. Just forcibly guide his hand to your crotch. Don’t let go. DEAL CLOSER SIX: “I guess this is what it feels like to finally touch your body.” DEAL CLOSER SEVEN: “Fuck doctors who say don’t touch people or they could die of your disease.”  1. The “office bully” seems to always get whatever she wants from your boss, while the hard-working staff members are ignored. 2. Your boss constantly holds “live or die” contests in which two employees are put in a conference room and told that they may only leave after one of them is dead. 3. Your one on one meetings are streamed live to a Japanese fetish site where business men masturbate to Americans having meetings with their boss. 4. Once a month, your boss calls all team members into a room where he locks the door and paces back and forth with a machete and keeps asking who the fucking snitch is. 5. You’re asked to drink urine as a sign of loyalty. 6. Since your first day of work you have never left the office because armed guards will shoot you if you try to escape. 7. Larry Understedd, the office jokester, shoots people if they don’t laugh. He also hides in the coat closet and shoots people before they even get a chance to laugh. 8. You are given a concoction of drugs each morning and then you just wake up the next day at home and have no idea what happened. Then you go back to work and the loop continues. 9. Some of your co-workers are insensitive and forget your birthday.  A little while ago, we sat down with a billionaire who wanted to remain anonymous, mostly because he didn’t want anyone to know his name. As we talked, he told us his secret to hiring the best employees, and we were shocked that it came down to one single quality that he felt was more important than anything else. We share it below: The one single quality that separates great candidates from good ones, according to a top billionaire.
 CEOs. They’re the most important people in America. Just ask them. Or anyone who writes articles about how what they do every day is what you should too. In recognition of this, the Intergalactic Business Report dumped a feature about nuns who help homeless people because who would want to be like an old nun who spends all day getting food for vagrants? After we told the nuns we weren’t doing the story on them anymore, they said something we couldn’t hear because we hung up the phone. Afterwards, we conducted an exclusive, anonymous survey with some of the world’s brightest CEOs to find out what they do with their free time and how it translates into success. Anonymous CEO #1. FREE TIME PASSION: Spends her free time doing oil paintings because it unlocks her creative powers and allows her to make decisions that go beyond typical corporate thought. SUCCESS RESULT: One day she painted a picture of a silly-looking clown firing people. It had come to her out of nowhere, like some kind of crazy dream. The next day, she fired 7,000 employees in one of the largest downsizing events in corporate history. Anonymous CEO #2 FREE TIME PASSION: Saves unwanted pets from being put down in kill shelters. Started a charity that collects cats and dogs who are abandoned and finds them loving homes throughout the country. SUCCESS RESULT: After understanding how kill shelters operated, this CEO was able to structure new, more humane layoff plans that included putting fired employees in corporate housing “shelters” with their families for two weeks to see if anyone wanted to hire them before they were symbolically “put down” and officially fired. Anonymous CEO #3 FREE TIME PASSION: Mentors children who have no male role models by taking them on a “junior CEO” retreat to his exclusive mountain chalet, where they learn leadership secrets. SUCCESS RESULT: Several of the mentored children grew up to lead companies and oversee massive layoffs and restructuring that earned them enough bonus money to buy their own chalets and run similar mentoring programs, thus “paying it forward” for generations to come. Anonymous CEO #4 FREE TIME PASSION: Studying martial arts and yoga to find inner peace and discipline. SUCCESS RESULT: Felt absolutely no remorse when she fired four thousand employees because she was able to control her heart rate and yoga herself out of the guilt she would have felt without her training. The martial arts came in handy as well, as she was able to disarm and defeat four thousand people with a single memo from human resources. Anonymous CEO #5 FREE TIME PASSION: Studying the strategies and tactics of famous generals throughout world history. SUCCESS RESULT: Was able to picture half of his 20,000 employees as invading Tartars and pretended he was repelling their advance by firing them. |
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