Buying a house, condo, or apartment is one of the biggest decisions you can make, and when the time comes to do it, there is endless advice on how you should proceed. Whether it’s a question of getting a 15- or 30-year mortgage, what neighborhood to choose, how many housing association fees you should pay, or which school system is better, the anxiety and stress around this purchase can be overwhelming. To ease your burden, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you a list of critical errors that could alter your life forever. If you see yourself making one of these 12 mistakes, stop and reconsider immediately.
12 house purchasing errors that could end your existence.
1. Your realtor sets a pistol on the table and asks you to play Russian Roulette for your mortgage rate.
2. A vulture settles on top of the property and an old prospector approaches and says the house is “pure evil” and that he “best be on his way” but “don’t say he done didn’ warn ya.”
3. When you enter the house, you are able to take off your penis and throw it. Then you look down and your penis is back.
4. There is a clause in the mortgage contract that just says: “new owners accept all responsibility for the basement hermit.”
5. A potential neighbor tells you, “Fucking run, man! Fucking run!” Then he says he’s just kidding and if you move there it’s super fun because they’re always making jokes like that but then you look at him and he has the face of a goat and you blink and then it’s back to normal but you’re super cold and feel like evil just butt-plugged you for a second.
6. At the open house, a portal to hell opens up and your wife is like, “Go in there” and you’re like, “What the fuck?” And she’s like, “If we move here, we are so going in there.”
7. Your bank says you’re pre-approved for sex trafficking.
8. You open a closet and a man from Victorian times steps out and asks if his obligation is yet abridged and the realtor points to you and says “yeah, this guy is replacing you.”
9. As you sign the mortgage papers you hear the walls giggling.
10. The house is free and as the former owner hands the keys to you, she mutters, “Now I release this burden unto you.”
11. The spirit of an Indian Chief breezes through your body as you check out the bathroom and he whispers that he likes to watch people poop.
12. To explain his proposal for a 5-year balloon payment with a 467% APR, your realtor makes you a balloon animal and then pops it. Then it’s just a lot of uncomfortable staring while he holds out a contract and a pen and drips sweat all over it.
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