2020 was a year of Zoom calls and remote work. If you were smart, you honed your out-of-office communications skills to help you thrive in this new environment. If you didn’t, you may be struggling to communicate effectively.
In an effort to preserve your employment, the Intergalactic Business Report shows you what you need to stop saying in your emails because it could cost you your job. Before you hit “send,” make sure your missive doesn’t contain any of these eight job-ending phrases:
1. “Fire me. I fucking hate you. I fucking hate this job. Fire me.”
2. “I am smearing a booger on the screen as I write this to you. Wish you could see it. The booger represents how much I hate this job and how much I wish you would just fire me.”
3. “If you don’t fire me instantly, I will burn down your house. Just kidding. Not about the firing part. Or the burning down your house part. Please fire me.”
4. “As I conclude this email, I want to add that I think you are a devious pecker licker. Just wanted to get that in there. Fire me.”
5. "Oohh. I'm a pervert. I'm a dirty pervert. I expose myself to people in public parks. My goal for this year is to take my penis out at work and put it on people's keyboards when they're not looking. Just thought I'd tell you that. Attached is the report you requested. Let me know if you have any questions about that or about how much of a sexual deviant I am and that you want to fire me."
6. “I haven’t embezzled money from the company yet because I don’t know how. But if I figure it out, I’ll do it. And I’ll sell files to the Chinese or whoever too. Hope that’s cool. No? Am I fired?”
7. “Lastly, if you don’t fire me right now, I will take a dump in your filing cabinet. And if you don’t have one of those, I guess I’ll do it on your computer? Because that’s like a filing cabinet now, in the future or wherever we are? Anyway, fire me.”
8. “Your wife told me you should fire me when she was spotting for me during auto erotic asphyxiation. I think she’s right. What do you think?”
The only business news in the universe that matters.