8 things you didn’t know you shouldn’t wear on a business Zoom call.

With Zoom calls quickly replacing actual work or social interactions, many readers are asking us for guidelines about how to behave as we watch people in boxes on our computer screens and phones. 
 
“Zoomiquette,” which is a name someone probably already made up and wrote a book about, is how you should act when on a call, especially if it’s for work. Today, the Intergalactic Business Report tells you what you should never wear on a business Zoom call. You may be surprised.
 
WHAT TO NEVER WEAR ON A BUSINESS ZOOM CALL:
 
1. Clothing celebrating porn stars or pornography in general. For example: “I love porn” tee-shirts. 

2. Anything depicting Satan worship, like a visible upside-down cross, blood stains on your face, robes you usually wear for goat-killing rituals or human sacrifice, or Phil Collins concert tee-shirts. 

3. Evidence that you moonlight as a clown. This is basically common sense. Don’t wear clown makeup or your “uniform.” Wear regular shoes. Even if you think they can’t see them. People can tell. 

4. 16th or 15th century monastic gowns. You may have good intentions, but they look spooky to most people. 

5. Fake nipples. Even if they look better than your real ones. 

6. Cod pieces. These can draw attention to your crotch. 

7. A smaller human being who rides on your back, á la Master Blaster from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. 

​8. An operating vibrator attached to your forehead with duct tape.