There you are. Sitting in the conference room of dreams and trying to keep your mind in place while your prospective employers pepper you with questions. Your taco hole opens to respond, but you’re not sure what mouth words to make and you panic. Should you compliment them on something? Give them your salary requirements? Ask where the bathroom is?
Whatever you say, don’t say the following nine deadly interview enders:
1. “When I walked into your building I had a premonition of it all burning down and me, just standing there in the rubble, laughing.”
2. “I don’t know what you just asked because I was thinking about porn. So, let’s change the subject for a second. If this were a porn, which one of you would have the largest dong? And, follow up question, can we make this whole thing into a porn? Right now?”
3. “Bee boo boop beep. That’s my tech knowledge.”
4. “Before I answer that question, I just want to clarify something. I don’t make booty calls. I TAKE booty calls. Now what were you saying?”
5. “There’s Grover, I guess. But I think he’s probably fucking Cookie Monster or Oscar, because Oscar is nasty and he’ll have sex with anyone. I’m sorry, didn’t you just ask me about Sesame Street?”
6. “In the grand scheme of things, none of this matters. Not you. Not the other guy there, whose name I forget. None of you matter. I matter. But that’s just because I’m alone in the universe and none of you exist.”
7. “I’m gonna rap my answer to that question. Uh huh… Uh huh… Can someone give me a fucking beat? Jesus. Forget it.”
8. “Let me just say this. Clowns aren’t born. Clowns are made. Who made you people into such clowns?”
9. “I’ve had my finger up my butt this whole time. Can you repeat the question?”
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