Dear members of the ____ team:
As the holidays approach us, I’d like to extend my best wishes for a safe and prosperous season for you and your families. Please know that I totally mean this.
One of the things to be thankful for at this time of year is our jobs. Without them, there would be no presents under the tree, no vacations with your kids, and probably no food or place to live except for in a homeless shelter. Oh, I guess you could get food out of a dumpster probably. Point is, it would suck without your job. I’m sure you would agree.
The good news is that our profits are up. Way up. And if you own stock in our company, that means the value of your portfolio and your self-worth are rising steadily. Great for you. If you don’t own stock in our company, then the news is not as good, since one of the ways we will be making sure our profits continue to climb will be to cut pay for many of you. Sorry.
But, as I didn’t mention before, this means that we won’t be cutting many jobs. Just cutting salaries. And we feel that’s a tradeoff we can all live with. Just think, by this time next year, you might still be working here. Still. You’ll be making a little less money, but you’ll still be alive and working here. Not bad.
I wanted to take this time to address a concern I’ve been hearing a lot about and that is the rumor that we will be asking all staff to work on Christmas this year. This is totally and absolutely untrue. While the rank and file staff will indeed be encouraged to work on Christmas day, management and upper management executives will have the day off for much needed rest.
To further illustrate the commitment we have to you, our workers, all management will have bonus vacation days this year, giving them the dates from December 15 through January 15 as a paid holiday. Good job, guys (and girls?).
And, it gets better. I’m happy to announce that management people will also receive a substantial bonus and pay increase to celebrate this holiday season. I am ordering you to spend some of it on gifts and travel during your new holiday break! Ha ha. Just a joke. You can spend it however you like. Buy another car, I don’t care.
It wouldn’t be fair for me to not thank the rest of the 86,000 plus of you who will be holding down the fort in the coming weeks. While your pay decreases will go directly to management bonuses and perks, we feel strongly this will ultimately increase production overall, as you work a little longer this year and management rests so they can be fresh after January 15. Anyway, thanks for doing all you do. To show our gratitude, there will be pizza and cake (while supplies last!) in some break rooms over the holiday. Enjoy.
Finally, I want to thank my wife, who some of you know has been decorating and redecorating two homes over the past year! Our first home has been completely revamped, with a new kitchen, all new bathrooms, and a pool among other things. And our ski house and lake house are almost done as well. (Did I say two homes? Whoops! I meant three! Sorry Cynthia!). Anyway, thanks, Cynth. You are the best. I look forward to taking a break and sitting in front of our enormous fireplace together this winter.
Because so many of you ask me, I just want to mention that my kids are also doing well. Brendon is in his first year at ____ and is recovering after rolling his Porsche in Aspen. (Just a PSA for you all: put chains on your tires in snow country. And don’t do coke and drink and drive.)
Brenna is also doing amazing. While she isn’t in college anymore, she is very involved in her Instagram picturing (is that correct, younger people?) and has accumulated something like a billion followers (can that be right?). She’s beautiful and she’s confident like her mother. That’s what matters.
In closing, I just want to say Merry Christmas to all of you and to keep appreciating what you have. I guess that’s kind of the moral to all this.
Anyway, enjoy your lives.
President and CEO,________.
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