An anonymous CEO’s open letter about his affair and “dick pics.” A lesson in emotional intelligence.
Last week a major CEO* was embarrassed when it was revealed he cheated on his wife. Instead of hiding behind lawyers and his PR agency, he decided to write an open letter about his discretions to his more than 87,000 employees. We feel this exemplifies emotional intelligence** and are reprinting it below, anonymously.
By now, you may have seen pictures of my penis circulating on the internet. These “dick pics” were indeed photos of my phallus, but they were not intended for a mass audience. Originally, I had sent these pictures to my mistress, with whom I was having sex outside my marriage.
When you have a picture of your penis out there for everyone to see, your world changes instantly. Believe me. There is shame. There is humiliation. There is regret. But then there is also the thousands of comments saying things like, “Hey, his dick is a lot larger than I thought,” and, even, “Man, his dick is way bigger than mine.” Turns out, I have a pretty large penis. Which is something I’d never have known, had I not had my dick pics stolen from me and had they not been posted on the Web.
When my wife saw these photos, as well as the crude news articles written about me and my affair, she simply said to me, “I knew it was you as soon as I saw that huge cock online.” This was her way of telling me, I guess, that I had one of the biggest members she had ever seen in her life and that it was recognizable, instantly.
Let me say one thing, before I continue. I’m one of the luckiest men alive. My wife, instead of immediately asking for a divorce, told me she would give me a second chance, mostly because my dick is so gigantic she’d never find anyone who could come close in size. So, I’m lucky to have such an understanding woman as my partner. I am also lucky to have such an enormous dong.
As I think back, my beefstick has served me well in my life and my career. It was always around as a conversation starter or even party trick (I played ping pong with it once and almost won!) And it gave me the confidence to feel like I was bigger and better than anyone in the conference room. I've come to the realization that, like prime USDA meat, I am a prime executive whose thick meat gives him an edge in both the boardroom and bedroom.
So what does the future hold for me, now that I’ve become the latest spectacle in our new world of online everything all the time? First, it’s given me many offers to star in straight up raunchy porn movies—the kind where they do sex things nobody even likes and you wonder, “Who’s watching this?” but then you realize you are. But it is also offering me time to reflect on my bad behavior and how I can grow and become a better man in the coming years.
Will I cheat on my wife again? Well, considering she was so cool about my last affair, I’ll have to think about it. Again, no one knows what the future will hold, except for one thing, and that is the gargantuan appendage that dangles between my legs. That will be there forever, pulsating, throbbing, and begging me to take it out and let it run wild.
I think in a way we all have a giant, throbbing dick that wants to roam free. And it is both a curse and a blessing. But mostly a blessing, because it’s so large and women seem to want it. I guess you could say this whole experience has made me a bit of a philosopher. A philosopher with a massive schlong.
In closing, I hope everyone can forgive me. There is an Italian saying that roughly translates as, “The man with the biggest dick gets to keep the organ grinder’s monkey.” I guess I’m ready to take care of the monkey and accept all the responsibilities it brings.
___________, President and CEO, ________.
*”Major” is a pretty broad term, as is “CEO.”
**Emotional intelligence is like normal intelligence, only you don’t need to be smart and can’t be tested on it.
The only business news in the universe that matters.