You’re not allowed to discriminate against a job applicant based on his or her age, because “ageism” is illegal. Or something like that.
The next time you interview for a job, look for subtle clues that your potential employer is trying to find out just when your birthday was. The Intergalactic Business Report presents a definitive list of common age-discriminatory queries and then tells you how to respond. You’re welcome. Our guide is below:
THE SUBTLE, GENERATIONAL QUESTION:
Here, the interviewer makes a seemingly innocuous reference to an event, phenomenon, or personality from a time period only people of a certain generation would understand, thus gauging your age by your answer.
EXAMPLE: “Which 80’s icon do you relate to more? Long Duck Dong or Long Dong Silver?”
HOW TO RESPOND: “Long Dong Silver.”
THE NOT SO SUBTLE, DIRECT QUESTION:
Sometimes an interviewer will simply ask about your age in a more direct way.
EXAMPLE: “You look old, motherfucker. Are you old?”
HOW TO RESPOND: If you can, throw your teeth at him. He’ll respect this.
THE QUESTION ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE:
Employers may ask a question about your experience to determine how long you’ve been working—thus making a rough calculation about your age.
EXAMPLE: “Are you a virgin? Yes or no.”
HOW TO RESPOND: “That’s private. But I’ve been with lots of people. I didn’t go all the way every time, but it’s not like I don’t have experience.”
THE QUESTION ABOUT YOUR SOCIAL LIFE OR LIFESTYLE:
Often your lifestyle can tell employers your age.
EXAMPLE: “Are you into no boundaries sex with old men like me?”
HOW TO RESPOND: “Yes.”
THE “HOW’S THE WIFE” QUESTION:
Here, the interviewer drops in a question about your spouse. Are you just married? Hitting your 50th anniversary? Spending a lot of time with the grand kids?
EXAMPLE: “Is your husband willing to have sex with me for this job?”
HOW TO RESPOND: “Are you willing to have sex with him?”
THE “HEALTH” QUESTION:
Your health is often attached to your age, and some employers will try to measure whether you will be a burden on their health care plan if you are at high risk for disease or hospitalization.
EXAMPLE: “If you sucked my dick for money, would you get a heart attack?”
HOW TO RESPOND: “How much money?”
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