THE INTERGALACTIC BUSINESS REPORT
  • Home
  • About
  • Business
  • Culture
  • Insights
  • Best and worst
  • Hidden brand messages
  • Intergalactic thoughts
  • Mommy's Drunk again
  • Up for grabs
  • Secret Report
  • The best of IBR

Business news and advice that go beyond our galaxy.

Branding “experts” will have to admit we are right. IBR unveils 5 new brand personality dimensions.

2/5/2019

Comments

 
Picture
​Today, everything and everyone is a brand. So-called branding “experts” like to talk about brand personality, which is basically pretending that a soulless, money-making company is also like your cool best friend who lives next door to you and really cares about you—as long as you keep giving him money.
 
These same experts talk about five major dimensions of brand personality, which supposedly appeal to consumers and get them to fall in love with the stuff you’re selling and metaphorically felate you as you slowly drive your car around a school parking lot. 
 
But as the greater culture shifts and changes, so does what appeals to consumers. Below, the Intergalactic Business Report discards the outdated dimensions of brand personality and presents you with what people really want in their new best friend/company.
 
OLD BRAND PERSONALITY DIMENSION: Sincerity (down-to-earth, honest, wholesome, cheerful).
NEW DIMENSION: Huge penis/breasts (who cares about sincerity if you have a gigantic dick or mammoth boobs?).
 
OLD BRAND PERSONALITY DIMENSION: Excitement (daring, spirited, imaginative, up-to-date).
NEW DIMENSION: Loose (always up for casual sex, probably has an STD but who cares, visible cold sores).
 
OLD BRAND PERSONALITY DIMENSION: Competence (reliable, intelligent, successful).
NEW DIMENSION: Controlling (knows what you want and makes you do it even if you’re really sure you don’t want it, watches you while you sleep).
 
OLD BRAND PERSONALITY DIMENSION: Sophistication (upper class, charming).
NEW DIMENSION: Name dropping (always talking about being somewhere or going somewhere better than wherever you’re from/going, has stories about celebrity friends they’ll never introduce you to).
 
OLD BRAND PERSONALITY DIMENSION: Ruggedness (outdoorsy, tough)
NEW DIMENSION: Criminal (gives “scared straight” speeches to you before asking to borrow money, which you better give them or else). 
 
 

Comments

    About

    The only business news in the universe that matters.

    Archives

    March 2023
    January 2023
    November 2022
    October 2022
    August 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    March 2018

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

  • Home
  • About
  • Business
  • Culture
  • Insights
  • Best and worst
  • Hidden brand messages
  • Intergalactic thoughts
  • Mommy's Drunk again
  • Up for grabs
  • Secret Report
  • The best of IBR