Today, everything and everyone is a brand. So-called branding “experts” like to talk about brand personality, which is basically pretending that a soulless, money-making company is also like your cool best friend who lives next door to you and really cares about you—as long as you keep giving him money.
These same experts talk about five major dimensions of brand personality, which supposedly appeal to consumers and get them to fall in love with the stuff you’re selling and metaphorically felate you as you slowly drive your car around a school parking lot.
But as the greater culture shifts and changes, so does what appeals to consumers. Below, the Intergalactic Business Report discards the outdated dimensions of brand personality and presents you with what people really want in their new best friend/company.
OLD BRAND PERSONALITY DIMENSION: Sincerity (down-to-earth, honest, wholesome, cheerful).
NEW DIMENSION: Huge penis/breasts (who cares about sincerity if you have a gigantic dick or mammoth boobs?).
OLD BRAND PERSONALITY DIMENSION: Excitement (daring, spirited, imaginative, up-to-date).
NEW DIMENSION: Loose (always up for casual sex, probably has an STD but who cares, visible cold sores).
OLD BRAND PERSONALITY DIMENSION: Competence (reliable, intelligent, successful).
NEW DIMENSION: Controlling (knows what you want and makes you do it even if you’re really sure you don’t want it, watches you while you sleep).
OLD BRAND PERSONALITY DIMENSION: Sophistication (upper class, charming).
NEW DIMENSION: Name dropping (always talking about being somewhere or going somewhere better than wherever you’re from/going, has stories about celebrity friends they’ll never introduce you to).
OLD BRAND PERSONALITY DIMENSION: Ruggedness (outdoorsy, tough)
NEW DIMENSION: Criminal (gives “scared straight” speeches to you before asking to borrow money, which you better give them or else).
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