CEO fired for taking drugs to boost his performance. We print his apology letter to his board and employees.

Drugs. Do they help or hurt us? This has been the ongoing question since the first time you sniffed glue and passed out in your basement. Experts have argued for years over the possible benefits of hallucinogenic drugs and, recently, a startup CEO was fired for taking LSD to “boost his performance.” This story is not about that guy. 
 
Instead, we focus on CEO Brandon De Florian of Stripf Brands, a multi-national conglomerate. Last month, De Florian was also terminated for his rampant drug use that he also claimed served to enhance his focus and performance as the leader of the corporation. Following his departure, he released a letter to his board and employees. We have reprinted it below:
 
 
Dear Stripf employees and members of the Stripf Board:
 
It is with great sorrow that I write this letter to you. As you know by now, I was asked to leave my position as CEO of Stripf Brands following a disagreement about my use of performance enhancing tools that I believe benefited our company. I am writing today to tell my side of the story.
 
First, I fully admit to taking “drugs,” which I consider a derogatory and loaded term our culture has devised to make helpful, scientific chemicals seem somehow dangerous and unnatural. This is a stigma I don’t believe I can overcome in a few paragraphs of argument. I can, however, explain my successes in recent years that I can attribute directly to my “drug” use.
 
Let me begin with my decision to require upper echelon management to identify themselves as law enforcement in case they were on some kind of undercover operation designed to “bust” me. It is my understanding that police must tell you that they are cops. So this was just a legal precaution and nothing else. Taking legal precautions is a good thing and something you’d think a CEO would do all the time, which is what I was doing.
 
I also received criticism for my conversations with ghost Leprechauns whom I simply used as outside advisors. Many people in my position hire consultants and outside help because internal opinions can be very short-sighted and support the status quo. Ghost Leprechauns like Seamus O’Herlihy and JT Biggins were disinterested and objective sources who gave me insights only dead Leprechauns could. I ask that you keep an open mind on this one. 
 
Further vitriol and misunderstanding came from our board and some team members when I started the Pot of Gold Initiative, requiring my bonus to be $12.5 Million in lottery tickets and that a new division be formed to scratch them off and find the treasure within them. I regret that the company costs for this exceeded $14 million when you count in the employee salaries, including hiring a new Vice-President for ticket scratching and the fact that only $500 (rounded up) was earned by the tickets since most winnings were used to purchase more tickets till we only had $475 left and then I got fired.
 
While the Pot of Gold Initiative (or POTI) may have looked unorthodox to many of you, what you didn’t see were the two ghost Leprechauns who would appear to me in my nightmares to encourage me to continue the mission. JT Biggins threatened to kill all of you if I didn’t keep doing it and Seamus O’Herlihy, who seemed to take the “good cop” role, promised more riches if I just stayed the course.
 
I’m sure you can understand that the prospect of losing all of you coupled with the allure of a $400 trillion payout (yes, that’s what they promised) put me in a difficult situation and, honestly, you are all alive, so part of my plan worked. If we had made the $400 trillion, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation right now.
 
The meth. Let me get in front of that one too. Yes, I took meth, but once most of my teeth fell out, I quit, which I could have done at any time but chose to do when I had no teeth. 
 
Another charge against me was the clown outfits I wore and the screaming. I have a loud voice. Always have. And I think it was something people didn’t notice till I started dressing as a clown (my choice) and voicing my opinions at surprise plant visits and annual stockholder meetings. I think if you check the actual volume of my speech, it could be described as loud yelling, rather than “screaming.”
 
I should not have tried to fly the company jet. I am not a pilot. I am fully admitting this. I think a lot of us have fantasized about being able to fly and I gave in to that fantasy in a weak moment as our pilots desperately tried to land our plane during a snowstorm and I felt the clouds were making evil snowmen who were damaging the wings. Those pilots are heroes, and I was trying to help them both fight off the snowmen and also fly the plane. I call that being helpful in a crisis. I’m sorry that many of you see it differently.
 
Let me just finish this by saying something one of my mentors, JT Biggins, once told me. He said, “Beg for your life, Brandon! Or this old Leprechaun will slit yer throat!” That’s the kind of pressure I was under and still am. But I’m willing to do that for you, even if I don’t work there anymore. (I screamed this entire letter, but you can’t tell, by the way.)
 
One last thing. Marty? Is that your name? Sorry about appearing in the back seat of your car that time. I was trying to sleep. Not murder you like I said. 
 
I bid thee farewell,
 
Brandon De Florian, former CEO, Stripf Brands

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