Dear team members at _____:
I want to take a moment to thank you all for your outstanding commitment to our company. You’ve helped make this year one of the most profitable ever. Because of you, this place succeeds. You deserve a round of applause.
You’re probably asking why I’d send a message like this around to all 14,476 employees at _____. That’s a lot of stamps and envelopes. As many stamps as there are you. Think about that for a moment. It’s like each one of you is a small piece of material that I can lick and stick on something whenever I want. And you’re worth like thirty-five cents. Wait, someone’s telling me stamps are fifty-cents now. What? You’re worth fifty-cents? That’s amazing. Congratulations.
At any rate, the reason I wanted to send this was because soon it will be Thanksgiving. And that’s a time for many of you to be with your families and give thanks for all your blessings. I hope that one blessing you will be thankful for is your ability to take money from our company to feed your children and overweight spouses. Just kidding! You don’t take the money. You work for it. I know that.
Even though sometimes I have to wonder how someone can show up for maybe eight hours a day, spend three of those hours just talking to friends and looking at internet memes, spend an hour and a half at lunch, spend another hour just sending emails to other people asking them to do work for them, and then spend the last two and a half hours in meetings and taking dumps. Kind of makes me wonder how the fuck we make money. I mean, I said this is the most profitable year ever right? How the fuck is that possible?
So… Again…. It’s Thanksgiving and you’re probably going to take time off for that. Or maybe we give you time off. Is it a federal holiday or something? Someone’s checking to see if this is something we actually need to do or just do to be nice. I’ll let you know.
What am I doing for Thanksgiving? Glad you asked. Probably watching a bunch of ESPN and maybe using that new Swedish fake vagina thing I made my assistant buy me. I don’t know. We’ll see. Also, I’ll probably get a haircut? This is something none of you understand about the life of a CEO. We’ve got to get haircuts like all the time. I mean ALL THE TIME. Can’t grow it long. Can’t let it go. Can’t grow a fucking beard. Definitely not. Can’t have the little scruff. No way. That’s for you assholes.
I’m just gonna come out and say this right now. Fuck you. Fuuuuuuuuck you. Jesus. I can’t believe I just got that off my chest. Seriously. Go fuck yourselves. My Thanksgiving is a haircut and fake sex. Yeah. I know. I could probably have real sex. I could. I could get a high-priced hooker or even just sexually harass the shit out of a hot employee till they finally gave in. I could do that. But I don’t. Because I care about you. But, having said that, I still think you should all go fuck yourselves.
O.K. My limo is here. Keep making us money, I guess.
CEO and President, __________.
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