If you didn’t learn table manners growing up, you probably struggle to find the right fork and where to put your napkin when you are at high-powered business functions where people eat. Unfortunately, eating is the least of your problems.
You may not realize it, but the things you say during a business lunch or dinner can have an enormous impact on your career. Gestures, words, and even the way you shake hands are all indicators of your professional intelligence and can either propel you to the board room or expel you to the mail room. As part of its elite business etiquette training program, the Intergalactic Business Report shows you what you’re saying wrong at corporate meals that may be killing your career.
1. “Can I take my pants off now that I sat down?”
2. “Don’t fucking eyeball me, Todd. I will fucking prison fuck you.”
3. “’Scuse me while I disappear under the table to go looking for some fresh dick.”
4. “You look disease free, Milton. I guess you and your mom don’t have other partners?”
5. “I’ve always wondered, Walter, if that look on your face is from advanced syphilis or if you’re just about to die. Wait. No, you’re still alive.”
7. “Me go poopy in my pants. Can someone get a waiter to clean this shit up?”
8. “My name is Kevin and I’m here to say, eatin’ corporate lunches is the only way… Uh huh… Uh huh… Can someone fucking beatbox? Jesus. I’m all alone here.”
9. “Do I grab somebody’s cock under the table or do they grab mine? Or both. I’m sorry, I’m new.”
10. “Hey Milton, I invited your mom to join us. Because I kind of felt like an orgy. Just kidding. I like having sex with your mom alone.”
11. “They say cocaine and alcohol are totally different drugs but right now, I feel like they’re the same.”
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