Deal closing master class: what to say during the final handshake.

​You’ve almost closed the deal, and all that’s left is the handshake—the final moment that seals the negotiations and makes you rich. Instead of going limp-wristed into this crucial phase of the game, take some advice from our expert deal-closers at the Intergalactic Business Report. 
 
Below we give you seven things to say as you join hand flesh with your counterpart. Follow these precisely and don’t listen to your inner voice saying, “Don’t do any of these.” It’s wrong. 
 
Please note, all these should be whispered so that it’s just between you and your hand-shaking partner.
 
 
DEAL CLOSER ONE:
“With this grasp of palms you seal your bond with Satan forever.”
 
DEAL CLOSER TWO:
“I didn’t wash my hands after a massive dump. Shaking my hand is like wiping my ass. With your hand. Kind of.”
 
DEAL CLOSER THREE: 
“In my dreams I’ve kissed your lips a thousand times.”
 
DEAL CLOSER FOUR:
“Now you’re my boyfriend?”
 
DEAL CLOSER FIVE:
Don’t say anything. Just forcibly guide his hand to your crotch. Don’t let go.
 
DEAL CLOSER SIX:
“I guess this is what it feels like to finally touch your body.”
 
DEAL CLOSER SEVEN:
“Fuck doctors who say don’t touch people or they could die of your disease.”