You may not remember it, but there was a time when no one talked about anything being “platinum.” Then, suddenly, the word was everywhere. Your gold card wasn’t good enough because there was a new platinum card. Gold records sucked. Platinum records were cool. If King Midas touched your dick, you’d just look down and say, “Oh. Hey. Thanks, I guess.”
While magazines, television networks, and newspapers ignored this development and started giving themselves “platinum” awards for journalism, the Intergalactic Business Report has decided to finally do their job for them and tell you the truth behind the platinum craze, which is that it’s made up.
Before you start pulling out your platinum teeth and going back to being a dirty blonde, read the top five findings from our extensive investigation. After you’re done, go ahead and destroy all your stuff.
1. If you ask anyone where platinum comes from, they will likely look confused, pretend to think for a second, and then answer with a dumb sounding, “No.” By contrast, ask someone where milk comes from, and they’ll probably say, “A cow?” They’d be right.
2. In a secret meeting we’ve pinpointed as taking place between 1675 and 1985, a business guy/merchant/blacksmith said, “I wish there was something that was considered better than gold. I’m so bored of gold.” Then another guy said, “Yeah. I know.”
3. These same businessmen then hired scientists to come up with something better than gold. Rather than do the work, they just made up the word “platinum.” The businessmen were like, “Great. Good job. Now go get it added to the periodic table of elements.”
4. Most likely, platinum was added to the periodic table after these scientists engaged in oral sex in exchange for its placement there. Platinum is number 78 on the periodic table of elements. Section 78 in Australian law is prostitution. Gemologists and alchemists we spoke to assured us the number was no coincidence because very often elements are given numbers that carry hidden meanings. For example, Thulium (pronounced TOOL-ium) is number 69 on the chart.
5. If you break up the word “platinum,” it forms three distinct words: Play, tin, and um. This is again no coincidence. “Play tin” was a metal given to children to play with. It was like Playdough only it was really hard metal that wasn’t easily bent and you couldn’t shape it into stuff. The word “um,” is what people mutter when they’re asked to explain what platinum is. As obvious as this is, most people have been fooled for centuries or even decades and hours by this fake, fake trick. Even you have probably been stupid enough to fall for it.
CONCLUSION: Platinum is obviously a made-up metal that was devised to make fun of you for being dumb. And this isn’t just our opinion. It’s the consensus opinion of people who both understand and agree with our point of view. If you’re wealthy, and own a lot of platinum stuff, you’re especially dumb, according to science.
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