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Trence Forway used to be a waiter. Now he drives a lambo and gets nasty chicks at Olive Garden. Read how he does it below:
WHO AM I AND WHY AM I WRITING THIS?
Hey, I’m Trence Forway, and I’m just a regular guy who figured out a way to make literally millions of dollars overnight, and, believe me, if I can do it, you can too. So, if I know how to make so much money, why would I share it with you? That’s the ultimate question, and I’ll give you the ultimate answer: Because I can’t make any more money so I may as well just write a column giving away all my secrets because by doing so, there is almost a one hundred percent chance that some hot skanky women will read this and be like, “Oh, you’re the guy who drives a lambo and makes all that money?”
WAIT. YOU DRIVE A LAMBO?
Yes. And I also wear a hat.
THAT’S SO COOL. SO, DID YOU SAY YOU CAN’T MAKE ANY MORE MONEY? HUH?
I know, I know, it sounds weird, but the system I created (and which you can have for free) made me so much money, so fast, that I can’t make any more than I already do. That’s right. I have so much money that I go to the bank and they’re just like, “Sorry. We’re out.” When I ask if I can come back later, they say, “You don’t understand. You have all the money in the world.”
HOW CAN ONE PERSON HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD?
Ask the bank, I guess.
O.K. I’M SOLD. I WANT TO LEARN, FOR FREE, ABOUT YOUR SECRET TO MAKING SO MUCH MONEY.
You’re not going to believe how simple it is. In fact, when I do tell you what it is, you’re going to be surprised, if not entirely blown away, by how this has been looking you in your face your whole life and you didn’t even notice it.
GREAT. SO WHAT’S THE SECRET?
I used to be a waiter. Seriously. I was a dude who brought food out to people and said stuff like, “I’m Trence, and I’ll be taking care of you today.” That was me. But now, I drive a lambo and I have all kinds of women who want to not only talk to me, but in many cases want to have sex with me afterwards! Can you believe that turnaround? At one point, in my waiter days, hot chicks would come in and I’d be like, “I’m Trence, and I’ll be taking care of you today.” And all they’d say back to me was, “Great. I want a Tito’s and soda with two limes.”
I FEEL LIKE YOU’RE NOT TELLING ME THE SECRET AND INSTEAD YOU’RE JUST KIND OF TALKING ABOUT HOW RICH YOU ARE AND DESCRIBING SOME AWKWARD ENCOUNTERS YOU HAD WITH WOMEN.
Fair enough. But before I tell you how my system works, I want to explain it with an analogy, so that it makes sense to you. If you pull up to an Olive Garden in a Kia it makes a totally different impression to the hostess than if you drive up in a lambo, like I do. Even if she doesn’t see you drive up in it, she can feel it when you enter because you just look like you drive a lambo. Also, I have a hat, so that kind of completes the look.
YOU’RE NOT GOING TO ACTUALLY SHARE ANYTHING WITH ME, ARE YOU?
It depends on whether or not you’re a hot chick who maybe is a little (or a lot) skanky.
I’M NOT. SHOULD I JUST STOP READING NOW?
Yes. Please do that.
I AM A SKANK. AND PRETTY HOT.
Are you impressed by my lambo? And my hat?
THE HAT KIND OF SUCKS. BUT I’M INTO THE CAR.
It’s not “a car.” It’s a fucking lambo.
WHATEVER. I’LL STILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU.
Cool. You wanna go to the Olive Garden first?
SURE. I WORK THERE AS A HOSTESS, SO I’LL JUST SEE YOU WHEN MY SHIFT IS OVER AT 9.
I want to eat though. I don’t want to just show up and leave. Can you get me free food?
NO. BUT THERE IS A DEAL WHERE YOU GET UNLIMITED BREADSTICKS AND SOUP.
NO. YOU HAVE TO PAY. I THOUGHT YOU HAD UNLIMITED MONEY.
I do. But it’s tied up in a lot of shit. I’m kind of living in the lambo right now.
Trence Forway used to be a waiter. Now he drives a lambo and gets nasty girls at bars. There’s not much else to say. If you have questions or comments for him, send us a note at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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