So they closed “non-essential” businesses and now you’re starting to think that after years of threatening to fire people for not working hard enough that all those people are questioning why they were working so hard because now they’re all at home drinking and barely working and nothing’s really changed.
At least you’ve come to the realization that what work really does is give you a place to exert your authority and vast wisdom over people who in an earlier age would have been your vassals and villagers as you presided over them from your castle on a hill. But how do you rule these peasants when the government allows them to hide in their homes, away from you?
As the number one executive coaching resource on the planet, the Intergalactic Business Report offers a special report for business leaders who feel lost right now. Read our eight tips on how you can retain your feeling of superiority and grandeur during these trying times.
1. Use a group of mannequins to simulate all-staff meetings where you are pissed off about something.
Mannequins are humanish enough for you to fantasize about them begin alive but not human enough to actually have sex with (boo!). But they are still perfect subjects for your hour-long tirades about how everyone needs to do a “gut check” and get their “shit together” and “think about whether they really want to be working here” because you’ll “be more than happy to help them find another job” (yeah, right!) if they can’t “cut it.”
2. Take a food “bonus” at the end of each week.
You’re the CEO of the house. You get executive compensation. In our new world, that means food and hand sanitizer and whatever. You take 70% of what’s left each week and put it in your room, away from the others. You earned that. It’s yours.
3. Practice looking down on people by observing your cat.
Watch what she does! Learn how she behaves! She’s the goal. She’s where you need to be.
4. Put that 100-year-old bottle of scotch in the basement, near the litter box.
When the cat comes down, just smile and say, “Sometimes, Frizzles. Sometimes I don’t think anyone in this office understands the vision… Except for you…” Then just start drinking while the cat shits in the box.
5. Conspire with one of your pets to expel household members who aren’t pulling their weight.
Pets are loyal. People aren’t. Recreate your love for secretly screwing over co-workers by having surreptitious meetings with your cat where you whisper about your wife or one of your kids not contributing enough to the family and how they’d better get their shit together soon or they may find themselves on the street.
6. “Fire” family members who don’t “see your vision” by kicking them out of the house.
They’re your family members, sure. But you said from the beginning that you don’t play favorites and that you would always put the good of the family ahead of family members. Even if those family members are family. And the family is stronger if family members who don’t believe in what this family is aren’t in the family anymore.
7. Bring in a new family member who’s younger and more dynamic.
Now that you’ve gotten rid of your dead weight wife/child/parent, have a staff meeting with the remaining family members and your mannequins to discuss how this “isn’t going to change anything.” Then bring in a stripper who will be their new mom.
8. Tell the released family member, by text maybe, that there are no hard feelings and that you’ll be a reference if they need to find another family.
Just because you got rid of your first wife, it doesn’t mean you aren’t there for her. Offer, magnanimously, to help her out by finding her a new family. Granted, times are tough right now, and nobody’s going to let a random person like her into their house, but when this all blows over, there will be plenty of homes that would love to take her and you’ll put in a good word for her.
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