Recently, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey sat down with congress and showed off his new look. It was mostly a super long beard and a nose ring. While Dorsey spoke with Senators about his company and whether they were doing something or other, we focused on the beard.
Now, in what can only be described as the breakthrough interview of 2020, the Intergalactic Business Report brings you the exclusive first interview with the hair attached to Dorsey's face.
INTERVIEWER: This may be an obvious way to start the interview, but where did you come from and why?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Jack and I don’t really communicate that often, so I can only guess on the “why” part. The “where” part is easier.
INTERVIEWER: Let’s start with that then. Where did you come from?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: From Jack Dorsey’s face.
INTERVIEWER: I see. Do you have any theories as to why?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Honestly, it’s a mystery. For so many years I was kept short or even shaved. Then it was like he just let me keep growing.
INTERVIEWER: Why would anyone do that?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: O.K., like I said, I don’t know for sure, but I think it’s one of two things. He either likes the look of Tom Hanks in Castaway, or he was going for the Civil War general thing.
INTERVIEWER: How do you feel about possibly being the main component of a Castaway/Civil War general look?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Pretty terrible. I want people to know this wasn’t my choice. I can’t cut myself. I don’t have arms or hands. I’m pretty much at the mercy of Jack.
INTERVIEWER: And he wants to look like a Civil War general?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I guess.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I know.
INTERVIEWER: Explain your own genesis. Was this always his plan?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I’m starting to believe he always had this in the back of his mind. At first, I was just a regular beard. I made him look stupid, maybe like a caveman, but I wasn’t at the point where I made him look insane like a revival preacher in 1889 Kansas.
INTERVIEWER: Of all the looks that could have ever possibly come into style in 2020, would you have guessed Civil War general or Tom Hanks in Castaway?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I have to admit, I fucking hated the whole Van Dyke thing in the 90’s. Fucking hated it. But then you look back and think, “That wasn’t so bad compared to this.”
INTERVIEWER: Any comment on the nose ring?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I guess the nineteenth century beard wasn’t enough?
INTERVIEWER: Enough for what?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I have no idea. Maybe he wanted to make sure nobody thought he was actually from the nineteenth century because even with how horrendous everyone looked back then, they at least didn’t have nose rings?
INTERVIEWER: That would make sense. One last question.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Sure.
INTERVIEWER: Do you blame yourself?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I know it’s irrational, but yes, I do. If only I was more peach fuzz or patchier… I don’t know. I could have stopped this.
INTERVIEWER: You know it’s not your fault. You can’t think that.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: I know. But I can’t help it.
INTERVIEWER: I think you’re brave.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Really?
INTERVIEWER: Think about all the food and body secretions (I’m just guessing) you have to put up with every day. All stuck on you. There’s no way he can wash you properly or give you what you need.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: No. No, he can’t. He doesn’t…
INTERVIEWER: Well, we’re done here. Thanks again.
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Wait… Can you cut me?
INTERVIEWER: Like cut you off?
JACK DORSEY’S BEARD: Yes, please. Just cut me off. Light me on fire. I don’t care.
(Editor’s note: Each year, thousands of American men grow Rasputin-style beards to hide their chins, emulate lumberjacks, and fulfill fantasies of being Civil War era generals. While this is currently legal in all states, please remember that beards have no choice. It is estimated that as a group these beards carry more than four thousand pounds of cocaine, feces, and funnel cake debris—all so that a group of men can resemble huge garden gnomes, which is probably a fetish, right? Stop the madness today. Join us at intergalacticbiz.com and celebrate free speech, independent humor, and free beards.)
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