You want more money. You deserve more money. Or at least you want more money. So you walk into your boss’s office and give him your pitch. Unfortunately, he’s heard it all before and you are painfully ill-prepared to change his mind.
Lucky for you, the Intergalactic Business Report offers you this exclusive advice on how to boss your boss. These five tactics will put you in charge. Welcome to the executive suite.
TACTIC ONE: “Hanging Brains.”
HOW IT WORKS: Before you meet with your boss, take your testicles out of your pants. Then “hang” them outside your zipper area and close your fly enough to leave them out. Enter your boss’s office and don’t sit down as you speak to him. Pace around a little to let your nuts shake and get some air. As your boss notices your hanging, swinging, nut sack, he will be distracted as you run through your new salary and benefits numbers. Although this technique remains untested, we strongly believe your boss will simply nod his head and agree to all your demands as he becomes mesmerized by the Cuckoo Clock balls that bounce around before him.*
TACTIC TWO: Trick your boss into a sexual harassment situation.
HOW IT WORKS: Simply start saying very loudly, “No, I won’t suck your dick for a dollar!” so that the whole office can hear. Your boss has two choices at this point. Either to up the price for you sucking his dick to something more reasonable, or to promote you. Congratulations. You've either made between 5 to 7 dollars (the going rate for fellatio in an office) or you’ve made Vice President.
TACTIC THREE: Insinuate that you may have filmed your boss doing something illegal.
HOW IT WORKS: After speaking for a few minutes about where you see yourself in the next five years, just turn and look at your boss knowingly and repeat this line: “Marvin, let’s cut the shit. I have film of you doing you know what.” If your boss says, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” then just start laughing and say, “Marv. Let’s get real. For fifty grand I can make this go away.” If he still says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about then you’ve gambled incorrectly and you should just say, “Sorry. Let’s move on,” and go back to discussing your new salary.
TACTIC FOUR: Suggest you’ve kidnapped a member of your boss’s family.
HOW IT WORKS: Please note that you should never say directly that you’ve kidnapped someone or name a name because that would be illegal. Instead, just say something like, “You know what, Marvin? Your wife is really pretty. It would be a shame if someone abducted her and held her till you did the right thing and gave me a fucking pay raise.”
TACTIC FIVE: Offer to suck his dick for free on a one-time basis.
HOW IT WORKS: Instead of going for the typical five to seven dollar rate, just say you’ll do it for free, but only once. Then explain that if you ever do it again, it will cost him a dollar more, each time, till you reach seven dollars.
*If you do try this technique, please drop us a line and tell us how it went.
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