Five things you should take off your résumé now.

When you craft a résumé, you may want to include everything you’ve done in your career. But new insights reveal that may not be the smartest move to land your dream job. 
 
The Intergalactic Business Report presents five common items that may separate you from other candidates, but possibly in a bad way. We recommend you remove these today. 

Relevant experience:
 
1994-5              Assistant boner presenter (apprenticeship)

Assisted the master boner presenter, Jay Gielgude, as he traveled the country, showing himself to strangers in parks. 
 
Main duties and responsibilities:
Holding Mr. Gielgude’s trench coat.
Performing “lookout” duties.

1996-7             “Butt cam” operator, Under the Bleachers Productions.
 
Operated the “Butt Cam” to retrieve images of people’s butts as they sat in bleachers at sporting events and concerts.
 
Awards and recognition:
Awarded myself “Best Butt Shot” trophy for my work at the Central High School football divisional playoff game, November 3, 1996. 
 
 
2000-1             Freelance erotic fiction writer.
            
Publications:
Self-published first novel, “A time for my boner,” was read by several friends.

Unpublished Graphic Novel, “My balls in winter,” sealed in a time capsule so that it may be published in the future when people are finally ready for it.
 
 
2003-5             Amateur cat wrestler.
 
Tournaments won:
1st place at “Backyard Championship” series, held in my back yard. Defeated tabby cat and former champion, “Snowflake.”
 
Runner-up in first annual “Cat Fight on Billings Avenue,” which took place between several local cats and me June 16, 2004.
 
2007-present   Assistant “fluffer,” Adult film industry.
            
Main duties include:
Fluffing the fluffers, although I still have no idea why they need to be fluffed.
 
References: 
 
Jay Gielgude, Master Boner Presenter. 
 
Tony Meathaven, adult film actor/producer/director
 
Snowflake the cat. Now deceased. No phone calls, please.