Five things your financial advisor will never tell you.

​Your financial advisor. The person to whom you give your money 'cause he "knows what he's doing." As he makes forecasts, promises, and tries to sound "professional" take into account what he's hiding. New neuro-telepathic technology reveals what's really going on in his head.

1. If I actually knew what I was doing, I would not be a “financial advisor.” I’d be rich.

2. When I talk about a “new opportunity” you could replace those two words with “helping me with the lease for my BMW.” For example, “I think you might be really interested in helping me with the lease for my BMW.”

3. When I ask you about your long term goals, and you tell me what they are, I’m just thinking about porn. That’s what the look on my face is all about.

4. If I tell you “it’s never too late” to do something, that means it’s way way too late.

​5. Anything I tell you about saving for your kids’ college education is total bullshit. It will bankrupt you.