You nailed the interview. You can tell they want you—bad… And now they’re offering you special benefits and perks to entice you to sign right away. As tempting as they might appear, some of these bonuses may not be all they seem. Or maybe they are?
The Intergalactic Business Report outlines 6 common “perks” companies might offer you. Read, exceed, and you will never need.
PERK ONE: Free massages.
WHAT SOUNDS GREAT ABOUT IT: Who doesn’t like a back rub? And for free?
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE IT: At most major corporations and even minor ones, a free back rub entails your boss taking off his shoes and socks and walking on your back while he balances himself with other employees. And he’s naked.
WHY YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE IT: Some people are into overweight middle-aged dudes nude-walking on them. Maybe you are.
PERK TWO: Unlimited free vacation.
WHAT SOUNDS GREAT ABOUT IT: As much vacation as I want? Sign me up!
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE IT: “Vacation” refers to Jeff Vacation the Third, and his brother, Brett Vacation (the First, we guess). They’re free. And you get as much of them as you want.
WHY YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE IT: If you do have sex with the Vacation brothers, they usually take you to Denny’s afterwards and allow you to order a Grand Slam breakfast. It’s kind of a half-joke, half literal description of what they did with you earlier. But you do get a free breakfast.
PERK THREE: Tuition reimbursement.
WHAT SOUNDS GREAT ABOUT IT: If you take college classes, they’ll pay for it. Score!
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE IT: The fine print of these offers almost always reads: “Valid for stripper classes only.”
WHY YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE IT: More and more employees are exploring the option of “side-stripping” after work. You seem like the kind of person who would value that kind of opportunity.
PERK FOUR: Day care services.
WHAT SOUNDS GREAT ABOUT IT: My kids come to work and someone will watch them?
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE IT: “Day care” usually has nothing to do with children or someone else taking care of them. Many businesses use this term to refer to you “servicing” your boss—during the day, which means office hours.
WHY YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE IT: If you don’t mind changing your job title from assistant director of whatever you thought you were going to be doing to executive director of dick sucking, then this is a solid option. Take the job. Then give the job.
PERK FIVE: Open cafeteria.
WHAT SOUNDS GREAT ABOUT IT: So I can forget about paying for lunch? All right!
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE IT: An “open cafeteria” doesn’t mean you’ll stop paying for lunch. You’ll pay. “Open” refers to the boundaries of perversion that an office cafeteria accepts. If your potential employer says that his or her cafeteria is “open” that just means anything goes and safe words are not recognized. Also it’s super hard to eat when people are prodding and groping you.
WHY YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE IT: If you’re into no-boundaries sex with randos, then this is the place you want to be.
PERK SIX: A “nap room” to keep you fresh.
WHAT SOUNDS GREAT ABOUT IT: I get so tired during the day. Now I can snooze!
WHY YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE IT: NAP is an acronym for “No limits ass play.”
WHY YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE IT: If you’re into whatever no limits ass play is, then sign on immediately.
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