You’ve seen the commercials for silver and gold. They feature trustworthy old actors you think you know from somewhere and they promise financial stability to those who invest in their precious metals. But a new financial study conducted by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals that the real metal you should have in your portfolio is bronze. Here’s why:
1. There’s a gold medal, a silver medal, and a bronze medal. Bronze is still pretty good. It’s way better than fourth place, because fourth place doesn’t even get a medal. In fact, if you were in the Olympics and came in fourth, you’d probably kill to get bronze. If you have no bronze in your portfolio then you’re in fourth place in life.
2. You can buy bronze at Home Depot. Just go to a store or online and get any number of bronze items including a bronze toilet paper holder or a two handle faucet. If you’re a pervert, buy something called “oil rubbed” bronze.
3. The woman in “Goldfinger” died because she was painted gold. Meanwhile, millions of people use bronzer to make themselves look tan and beautiful. And not dead.
4. Bronze rhymes with Fonz, the coolest person ever. What does gold rhyme with? Old? As in, "What an old nut sack you have.” And Silver? That’s right. Nothing rhymes with silver because it’s so lame no other words wanted to rhyme with it.
5. In “Treasure Island” the guy who acted like he was super nice but turned out to be a total dick was Long John Silver. Just like real silver.
6. “Long Dong” Silver had a huge dick. Pretty cool, but this is the only thing cool about silver.
7. Gold and silver are the Nazis of metal. Bronze, which is a melting pot of different metals, is an alloy, which means it is open to other cultures and races. Because of this, it is banned from the prejudiced periodic table of the elements. Do you really want to buy bigoted metals for your portfolio? Suit yourself, Hitler.
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