How to be a multi-millionaire with an amazing romantic partner by this afternoon. Yes, seriously.

The math is simple.

How many times have you said it? “If I were only a multi-millionaire everything would be easier.” It’s true. Having incredible amounts of money can completely change your game. It brings you confidence, pride, and respect. Oh, and it also makes it much easier to have sex with whoever you want. So why not try it? What’s holding you back? Answer: you don’t know where to begin.
 
The Intergalactic Business Report walks you through the five simple steps it takes to have it all. And you can do it by the end of this afternoon. Don’t believe us? Just read on:
 
STEP ONE: To have money, you need money. We’ve all heard that tired old saying. But did you know that if you have money you don’t need money? Think about that for a second. To be a multi-millionaire. You need to think like one. And that begins with saying to yourself, “I’m a multi-millionaire” again and again. Like fifty times. Say it.
 
STEP TWO: Now that you have the mindset, it’s time to start accumulating wealth, fast… See how much money you have in your pockets and put it out on your table or desk. Count it. Is it a million dollars? Probably not. Which brings us to lesson two. Multi-millionaires don’t carry millions of dollars in their pockets. Go to step three to find out where they do put it. 

STEP THREE: If you have millions, you put that money in a bank or possibly in investments, like stock and bonds. Let’s just keep it simple and put your millions in a bank. If you don’t have a bank account, go start one now. If you do have one, then you’re a step ahead. Good job. Now go to step four. 

STEP FOUR: Deposit at least two million dollars in the bank. We say “at least” because you can’t technically be a multi-millionaire if you don’t have at least two million dollars. “Multi” means “many.” So make sure you’re careful on this. 
 
STEP FIVE: After you’ve made the deposit, wait for the money to show up in your account. While you’re doing this, we suggest you find romantic partners that are to your liking. Remember, we’re trying to get this done by the end of the afternoon, so you may have to move quickly. Just go anywhere and talk about how much money you have. If no one responds immediately, move on to another place. Hurry. We’re trying to get this done today.  

CONCLUSION: Congratulations on being a multi-millionaire. It’s really an amazing accomplishment and you’ve done it in such a short time. Oh, and your girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever is so awesome. Where did you guys meet? Oh really? That’s so cool. Oh, you quit your stupid job because you’re so rich now? I wish I could do that. What? I can? By the end of this afternoon? Please tell me how.