How to close the big deal in the Corona Age.

Just because there’s a viral pandemic doesn’t mean business is going to stop. In fact, according to the Intergalactic Business Report (us) there are more deals to be had than ever. Whatever you’re selling, you need to follow new rules to appeal to customers and partners. We tell you how to close any deal in the midst of the economic shutdown. We walk you through an example conversation you can have with the big fish you want to land. 
 
I. The open.
Start the conversation with some friendly small talk. Mention Zoom if you can and put in a compliment.
 
YOU: Jerry! So cool to Zoom with you!
 
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: Hey, Ted. Great to see you too.
 
YOU: Did you lose some weight or something?
 
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: Yeah, I guess a little bit. I’ve been trying to eat healthy while we’re all on lockdown.
 
YOU: Yeah, me too.
 
II. Establishing trust. 
Let the other guy bring up business. This way you don’t sound like you’re only there for money. 
 
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: So, Ted, what can I do for you?
 
YOU: Nothing, Jerry. Just called to talk! Haw haw haw!
 
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: So funny, Ted. But I know you really wanted to talk to me about a business deal.
 
YOU: Sure. We can talk business. If you insist!
 
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: O.K. I’ve only got five minutes before my next call, so shoot.
 
III. Make an irresistible offer.
 
YOU: I think I may have cured the Coronavirus.
 
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: What?
 
YOU: Yeah. You want in?
 
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: In for what? A cure for the Coronavirus?
 
YOU: Yes. I’m calling you first, because I wanted to give you an opportunity to get in before anyone else.
 
IV. Expect a little resistance. And roll with it. 
 
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: Ted, no offense, but I’m a little confused. 
 
YOU: That’s O.K. I know. I don’t have a medical background. And I’m not a scientist. And I don’t work for a pharmaceutical company. 
 
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: My wife told me you sell garden gnomes and …
 
YOU: I sell high end outdoor lifestyles. 
 
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: I really have to get moving. Maybe we can talk about this at the next family reunion. 
 
YOU: We’re not gonna have a “next family reunion,” Jerry… Not if we don’t cure the Coronavirus.
 
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: Ted, I’m going to be honest. I met you briefly at a cookout. My wife told me you were a distant cousin who sold garden gnomes or something and I told her I’d talk to you for five minutes about a business deal. We’re almost done here. I’m very glad you think you’ve cured Coronavirus. Maybe you should take this to someone in the medical community.
 
V. Play your Ace. 
 
YOU: I wasn’t going to bring this up, but I have video of you whacking off.
 
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: What?
 
YOU: It would be super embarrassing if a video of you whacking off got out there.
 
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: Are you blackmailing me?
 
YOU: That sounds racist. 
 
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: What?
 
YOU: Jerry, you’re a racist masturbator. You are so fucked up. 
 
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: I’m hanging up now.
 
VI. Close the deal.
 
YOU: So, I guess I’ll put you down for a million dollars worth of Coronavirus cures?
 
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: …
 
YOU: And you can just make that check payable to Ted _____.  Is that good?
 
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: …
 
YOU: I really feel good about this and I’m glad we were able to close this deal on a Zoom call. 
 
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: ….
 
YOU: I’m a fucking millionaire now. 
 
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: …
 
YOU: So fuck you! I always thought you were so stuck up, but now I’m rich!
 
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: …
 
YOU: See you at the family reunion, I guess.