Much like the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone in Seattle, the Intergalactic Business Report has announced it will have its own police free zone that will extend to their office and beyond.
The details of this stunning new charter of laws:
IBR offices may not be inspected, raided, or fined for anything happening inside them.
No laws will be enforced inside our offices and no one will be allowed to issue us tickets, confiscate drugs, or ask us to pay the rent on our lease.
The autonomous zone is fully mobile and travels with all IBR staff*, wherever they go.
This means that even when IBR writers and editors leave work, they may not be arrested, questioned, or detained for anything.
Fake police strippers are the exception to the above rules.
Strippers, adult performers, and sex workers who dress as law enforcement officers are permitted to search, detain, and give “fines” for charges such as indecent exposure, excessive horniness, and failure to pull your penis out of your pants fast enough.
We no longer need to pay for selected Fast Food.
Such as Taco Bell, for instance. That’s free now and Taco Bell needs to provide this. So, let’s say, one of us goes through the drive-through and it comes time to pay. We just say, “This is food for the IBR Autonomous Zone,” and the Taco Bell guy will be like, “Oh. O.K. it’s free then.”
All legal loopholes that could be used against IBR are now officially closed.
This means that if there’s some way to bust us for something, like by using an FBI trick where they nail us and we say, “Wait, you can’t do that,” and they say, “Oh, yes we can. It’s statute 684 of the whatever penal code,” that doesn’t work anymore.
Lawsuits** against us are also not valid.
Since we are fully autonomous and free of any laws, lawsuits are not recognized. It would be like suing air or something, and we would be the air. You could sue us, but then you’d have to immediately rescind doing that because your brain would tell you, “Hold up. That’s impossible.” Then you’d apologize maybe. Not necessary, but it would make you a better person if you did.
We have our own banking system now.
We still accept money. The only difference is that we don’t pay any of it now. We just take it. Thanks for your contribution if you made one.
*Interns are not included. If somebody needs to go down for a crime, we guess it can be them.
**For instance, any of the multiple lawsuits filed by interns, past, present, and future.
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