In these volatile economic times, investors spend their days worrying about stocks that skyrocketed yesterday dropping to oblivion tomorrow. The stress and pressure of a market that changes course more frequently than an Uber driver on PCP who’s deciding between whether he’s going to take you somewhere to kill you or offer you sex, the U.S. stock market is a dangerous game.
Enter the Intergalactic Business Report Stock Exchange, controlled entirely by us. We’ve re-worked the negativity of the traditional market and turned buying and selling stocks into something where everyone wins. Sound too good to be true? Then read our Q and A list below before you invest.
Q. Is starting a new stock market legal?
A. What a stupid fucking question. Why do you care? It’s not your stock market. It’s ours. Worry about your own shit.
Q. How does your stock market work?
A. You give us money. That money goes into our stock market. That money turns into more money. We both get rich.
Q. What companies are participating in the IBR Stock Exchange?
A. Good ones. Really good ones. Unfortunately, we can’t tell you which ones because that would violate attorney client privilege.
Q. If you can’t tell me which companies are on your exchange, how can I decide where to invest my money?
A. You just give us the money. We do the rest.
Q. And my investment just keeps going up?
A. That’s right. Unlike the normal stock exchange, any money you invest in the IBR Stock Exchange can only go up.
Q. Sounds too good to be true.
A. That’s not a fucking question. This is a fucking Q and A sheet. Not a “Statement” sheet where you can just say whatever the fuck you want.
Q. How much money should I start investing?
A. Probably all of it.
Q. If my money only goes up, what’s the rate of return?
A. “What’s the rate of return?” Who the fuck are you? Do you want to make money or do you want to be president of the high school investment club? Next question.
Q. Will this get me laid?
A. Yes. Absolutely.
Q. Can I buy a mansion or boat now?
A. Yes. Go ahead and get both.
Q. If I have a penis, will this make it larger?
A. You can expect growth in the range of two to four inches.
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