IBR labs to unveil “self-playing video games” in 2020.

Inspired by the push for self-driving cars, the Intergalactic Business Report's own research laboratories have announced that in 2020 they will release the first ever self-playing video game system for the consumer market.
 
Below we list the key features of this system and why it will be much better and different than current gaming consoles like Playstation, Xbox, and Nintendo.
 
 
1. The self-playing system, named, “Playwithyourself 1,” requires zero participation by the player. You just sit there and the computer plays the video game for you, making choices, moves, and even “rage quitting” if another self-playing system competing with yours does something that’s total bullshit and fake and enrages your system so much that it simply shuts down. 

2. Playwithyourself 1 has a dual meaning because “players” are now free to masturbate during video game play without worrying about dropping a controller or being distracted in any way. Game testers applauded the fact that they could whack off before, during, and after games because they weren’t participating at all in actual gameplay. This freed up both their hands and lube users rejoiced that they no longer got it all over their controls, because there are no controls. 

3. Being “good” at video games will simply be how much money you pay, making it objectively simple to be the best. Unlike current video games in which players use coins, bonuses, and upgrades to enhance their playing abilities, the new IBR system translates “skill” directly into how much money you pay them. Want to win the weekend challenge? Just pony up a grand. Unless someone in Bulgaria puts in more than a grand in whatever money they use. In that case, you’ll lose, but at least it won’t be a surprise. 

4. As self-driving cars and other self-doing technology takes off, our developers see that in 20 years, there will be no need to know how to do anything yourself, freeing us up to do whatever there is that’s left to do when there’s nothing to do. So, we’ll all be able to finally relax and stop worrying so much about stuff. 

​5. Our video game system is already leading to some other new, exciting technologies. They include: self-wiping asses; self-feeding tubes so that you don’t have to remember or know how to put food in your mouth and chew and swallow it; self-voting robots who sift through the major issues of the day and cast ballots for you; and self-selfs, a version of yourself that does all the shit you don’t want to do while you just lie there in a box and enjoy life.