IBR prepares for slow re-opening. Here’s what you need to know if you read this crap.
The Intergalactic Business Report has decided to slowly re-open today following CDC guidelines.* It’s important for our readers to understand that their safety is our primary concern and that we are taking the following precautionary measures to ensure your health while you read IBR online.
1. All editors, writers, interns, and staff wear protective masks while writing content for our publication.
2. Our bottles of lube once used solely for masturbation have been replaced by hand sanitizer (which burns, by the way).
3. While none of our team works in a communal “office” at this time, each has agreed to place mannequins throughout their homes and avoid going near them.
4. No, “unsanitary” or “dirty” language is allowed in any IBR writing, until further notice. This, we feel, creates a psychologically “clean” place for us to work, create, and form our best thoughts and ideas. Unsanitary language would include words and terms like, “Fat cock sucker,” or “Butthole licker.” It would also encompass sayings and phrases such as, “Stop tickling my dick hole” or “You dumb shit-eating ass eater!” and questions like, “Where can I buy a one- way ticket to fuck town?” Plus some other things.
5. “Pretend touching” where you imagine there is another person in the room with you and you touch him/her, is now banned for IBR staff.
6. Sex dolls may no longer be shared and may only be used in totally monogamous person to sex doll relationships. Having said that, both parties are required to wear masks.
7. Toilet paper has been replaced by Clorox wipes. (Which burn, by the way.)
*CDC, also known as the Cock Draggers Club, is for men who seek to obtain monster penises through enhancement surgery and by creating video game avatars with enormous schlongs who represent them in a fantasy world.
The only business news in the universe that matters.