New estimates indicate the Intergalactic Business Report may be the most read publication anywhere. We congratulate ourselves.
JOIN 436 TRILLION READERS TODAY.
Our breakdown of the numbers below:
We expanded our counting to include not just humans.
This probably accounted for the biggest jump in our numbers because instead of looking at clicks and subscribers, we opened our minds to the universe and all it has to offer. For instance, there are whole races of aliens we can’t see and bigfoot-type monsters who are intelligent enough to read (we guess).
How do we know space creatures and others read IBR?
How does anyone know anything? We’ll start with that and then let you be presumptuous enough to declare yourself the smartest fucking person ever.
The 436 trillion number is a rough estimate, but it’s probably much more.
Once you start getting into the trillions, you may as well just say “a zillion” but we didn’t. We could have. But we didn’t.
Many space aliens are invisible.
That’s why it’s so hard to see them. But they are all reading the Intergalactic Business Report. That’s what blows our minds. We are gratified and humbled.
Yes, we talked to them. This was a scientific survey.
People say, “How did you possibly figure out that hundreds of trillions of creatures read your publication?” To that we deflect your question with our own, for you: “How do you figure out how to take a dump in the toilet?” “Oh, my parents taught me that,” you say. Really? How do you know? Maybe aliens did it. Why else would you go in a “toilet” and not a box or something, which would be way more human than a porcelain sample-taker like a toilet.
If you take the readers/viewers of every magazine, television show, internet site, etc on the planet, it wouldn’t come close to the number of readers of the Intergalactic Business Report.
So fuck you.
The number of crypto beasts is low compared with space aliens.
We count the bigfoots and other monsters who read IBR in the tens. Maybe twenties at most. So, out of the 436 trillion number, they’re probably like 25.
In terms of “telepathic space money” we are now the wealthiest organization anywhere.
No explanation needed.
The only business news in the universe that matters.