You’re nervous, half-listening to your potential co-workers describe their life and work at your dream company. You think to yourself, “If they offer me the job, I’ll say yes on the spot.” But this is where you may go wrong, horribly.
The Intergalactic Business Report advises that every serious job candidate think carefully about what would truly make a dream job a dream. Have a list of questions and, yes, demands. When it comes down to negotiating your terms, never just say yes.
Below we list several “deal breakers” we believe most candidates should have ready to discuss and insist upon. Most employers will honor these or at least strongly consider them. Remember, this is your life. Don’t be embarrassed to ask a few hard questions.
Open your mouth. Speak. And say:
“I need a 10% employer contribution to my 401K.”
“I refuse to be spanked. You can do anything else. Nipple clamps are fine.”
“Three weeks vacation is the minimum I’ll accept.”
“I demand twenty dollars per dick I suck. That is non-negotiable, down to five dollars per dick, which I will do.”
“I’d like to speak privately with a few people who have worked here more than five years so I can hear from them about their experiences.”
“I was hoping this would be a one on one interview. I don’t think I’m comfortable sucking all these dicks at once.”
“Does your benefits package include tuition benefits at local colleges?”
“Butt sex is free, of course, but no eye contact. That will cost seven dollars.”
“Are you an equal opportunity employer?”
“I will not be a drug mule, but I’m willing to put drugs in my butt.”
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