In 2019, most people thought 2020 would be great. They were wrong. Except for one guy, who predicted how much it would suck. He also has a weird beard that’s grey, which means he has wisdom and stuff.
Who is this guy? And how can he predict everything bad that happens? We sat down with him to find out. INTERVIEWER: I’m going to start out by saying I’ve seen you all over the internet and you have a grey beard and you look mystical or something. MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Yes, that sounds like a description of me. Although I’m not mystical. INTERVIEWER: So you predicted everything that was going to happen in 2020? Are you like Nostradamus or something? MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I’m more like a financial guy who sees trends in money and stocks and that kind of thing. INTERVIEWER: Nostradamus couldn’t do that? MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I have no idea. INTERVIEWER: I thought you knew everything. MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I know a lot about financial markets and I could see a trend taking place when the Coronavirus surfaced in early 2020. INTERVIEWER: O.K. You saw a trend. What did Nostradamus say? MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I don’t understand. INTERVIEWER: You don’t understand the question? MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: No. I don’t. I’m not Nostradamus. Nostradamus died hundreds of years ago. INTERVIEWER: I didn’t say you were Nostradamus. MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: O.K. INTERVIEWER: I asked you what Nostradamus said about 2020. MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I don’t know. INTERVIEWER: Wow. You really don’t know shit, do you? MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: All right. I’m starting to think this interview was maybe not what I thought it was going to be. INTERVIEWER: Oh, so your prediction about it was wrong? MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I’m going to explain this once and for all. I am not a psychic or soothsayer or whatever Nostradamus was. I’m a financial analyst. I didn’t predict 2020 and everything that happened this past year. I just have some financial advice based on trends I’ve seen. I think you’re misrepresenting me. INTERVIEWER: O.K. Question. How much better is Nostradamus than you? He didn’t have any problem predicting anything. You seem to struggle endlessly. MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Are we going to talk about financial markets? INTERVIEWER: Whatever. MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I have some advice about how to invest smartly in the coming year. I’d start with… INTERVIEWER: Oh, hey, hold up one sec. MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Yes? INTERVIEWER: What am I holding behind my back right now? MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I can’t see. INTERVIEWER: No. I’m asking you to use your mind to see what’s there. MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I can’t do that. INTERVIEWER: And yet you used your mind to see what was going to happen with financial markets or whatever? MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Well, yes, but… INTERVIEWER: Checkmate. MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: What? INTERVIEWER: Checkmate. As in I win and you miserably lose. MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Do you realize this is a paid advertisement we’re doing? I paid you for this interview. Do you get that? INTERVIEWER: Hold on. MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: This is terrible. INTERVIEWER: Randy! Randy! Did he pay for this? MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Yes, I paid for this. You’re supposed to say stuff like, “Wow” and, “How do I learn more?” And then I direct you to my newsletter and Web site. INTERVIEWER: Seriously? MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I think this was a mistake. I’m going to leave. INTERVIEWER: Hold on. I think if we end this now the audience is going to be confused. MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Audience? You’re not printing this. INTERVIEWER: I’m not? MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Not unless you want a fucking lawsuit. INTERVIEWER: Can I just say something? MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: What? INTERVIEWER: I thought you’d be a lot cooler than this. MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: Fuck you. INTERVIEWER: Right there. Proving my point. MAN WHO PREDICTED 2020 WOULD SUCK: I’m expecting my money back immediately. Goodbye. INTERVIEWER: Can you at least summon a spirit or something before you leave? |
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