THE INTERGALACTIC BUSINESS REPORT
  • Home
  • About
  • Business
  • Culture
  • Insights
  • Best and worst
  • Hidden brand messages
  • Intergalactic thoughts
  • Mommy's Drunk again
  • Up for grabs
  • Secret Report
  • The best of IBR

Business news and advice that go beyond our galaxy.

New IBR service matches dudes who say they would have sex with themselves with dudes who look like them.

5/9/2022

Comments

 
Picture
In what can only be described as the biggest breakthrough in dating services in the past decade, the Intergalactic Business Report has announced a new program that matches men who say they would have sex with themselves if they could with men who look like them. 
 
How it works. 
Test study Randy Branigan was the first to be approached by IBR when he announced at Ruben’s Bar and Grill that he would “definitely fuck himself” if he could duplicate his body or meet his double. This gave Intergalactic Business Report editors the idea to match Randy with his dream man, by finding another five-foot-nine twenty-something bro with a baseball cap. This took seven seconds. 
 
Some bumps in the road.
Believing we would be thanked for finding Randy’s perfect match, we were instead threatened when we introduced him to Brent, who also threatened us. There was a lot of initial feedback received at this point. Mostly stuff about not being “gay” followed by some more stuff about how being gay was “cool” and then some descriptions of gay friendships they had where their friend was gay but they weren’t gay together.
 
Final thoughts.
We’re pretty sure Brent and Randy ended up fucking each other after talking about gay sex for so long. So, our new program is a success. Do you want to have sex with yourself if yourself was an actual person you could meet tonight? Maybe Go Fuck Yourself is for you. We’ve been putting together people with “themselves” since yesterday and you could be next. Somebody just said something about how we can’t say to get in touch with us because that would be like advertising for prostitution or something, like he’s a fucking lawyer or something. We’re done writing now. Goodbye.

BUY OUR MERCH
Comments

    About

    The only business news in the universe that matters.

    Archives

    March 2023
    January 2023
    November 2022
    October 2022
    August 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    March 2018

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

  • Home
  • About
  • Business
  • Culture
  • Insights
  • Best and worst
  • Hidden brand messages
  • Intergalactic thoughts
  • Mommy's Drunk again
  • Up for grabs
  • Secret Report
  • The best of IBR