New IBR service matches dudes who say they would have sex with themselves with dudes who look like them.
In what can only be described as the biggest breakthrough in dating services in the past decade, the Intergalactic Business Report has announced a new program that matches men who say they would have sex with themselves if they could with men who look like them.
How it works.
Test study Randy Branigan was the first to be approached by IBR when he announced at Ruben’s Bar and Grill that he would “definitely fuck himself” if he could duplicate his body or meet his double. This gave Intergalactic Business Report editors the idea to match Randy with his dream man, by finding another five-foot-nine twenty-something bro with a baseball cap. This took seven seconds.
Some bumps in the road.
Believing we would be thanked for finding Randy’s perfect match, we were instead threatened when we introduced him to Brent, who also threatened us. There was a lot of initial feedback received at this point. Mostly stuff about not being “gay” followed by some more stuff about how being gay was “cool” and then some descriptions of gay friendships they had where their friend was gay but they weren’t gay together.
We’re pretty sure Brent and Randy ended up fucking each other after talking about gay sex for so long. So, our new program is a success. Do you want to have sex with yourself if yourself was an actual person you could meet tonight? Maybe Go Fuck Yourself is for you. We’ve been putting together people with “themselves” since yesterday and you could be next. Somebody just said something about how we can’t say to get in touch with us because that would be like advertising for prostitution or something, like he’s a fucking lawyer or something. We’re done writing now. Goodbye.
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