With unemployment not being a thing anyone cares about anymore, the Intergalactic Business Report found that employers are desperate to hire and will do almost anything to attract new workers. We scoured newspapers and job listings and share what we found. These excerpts show to what lengths recruiters are willing to go to build their teams.
JOB POSTING: Hiring now! Criminal record? Everyone makes mistakes. We’re willing to listen. Starting salary 125K, 35 hours a week, full benefits. No experience necessary.
JOB POSTING: We will SUCK YOUR DICK. That’s right. If you take this job, or even show up for an interview, we will SUCK YOUR DICK. Full benefits, including us sucking your dick. Bonuses every year independent of performance. Attractive people preferred, but we will take whoever. 80K signing bonus.
JOB POSTING: Looking for your first job? Stop smoking meth in your parents’ basement and come join our team! Free meth and you can work from your parents’ basement, so why not just take our money?
JOB POSTING: Earn a paycheck without working! We will give you 5K a week to not do ANYTHING. That’s right. You do nothing. We pay you. Come on, man. Jesus. Nobody? Really?
JOB POSTING: Slap us with your penis. We don’t care. Seriously. Show up to work, take out your dick and slap us. Just show up. That’s all we ask. We’re an accounting firm. No, you don’t need to know how to do accounting. Nothing matters anymore.
JOB POSTING: Paid internship. Recent college grads encouraged to apply. Learn how to be an executive by being the CEO of our company for one year. 20 million base salary plus random checks for no reason. May work entirely through your Instagram account.
JOB POSTING: Humans welcome to apply but we will take a dog or even inanimate objects with no soul or brain function.
JOB POSTING: Benefits include company car for your mom. We will also get you a mom if you don’t have one. Is that what you want? A mom? I’ll be your mom. I’ll be whatever you want me to be. Seriously. Just tell me and I’ll be that.
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