New wealth trend: Rich old guys adopt bitchy daughters for totally platonic relationships.
We interview an anonymous billionaire who lets us in on the latest trend: wealthy older men see having an arrogant self-centered daughter who has no regard for money or humanity as the ultimate status symbol. Why? Because only really rich guys seem to have those. Read our fascinating conversation below:
INTERVIEWER: Thanks for sitting down with us today. I know your time is very valuable.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Everything about me is valuable.
INTERVIEWER: Good one.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Thanks.
INTERVIEWER: So tell me about your daughter.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: My actual daughter or the bitchy one I adopted?
INTERVIEWER: You have an actual daughter too?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yes.
INTERVIEWER: She wasn’t bitchy enough for you?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: No. She’s into charities and wearing second-hand clothes.
INTERVIEWER: She’s kind of a good person then?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Oh, totally. She’s the best.
INTERVIEWER: Then why did you feel the need to adopt a second daughter?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I know you wouldn’t understand this, because you’re so poor, but in my circle, most of my peers always talk about how their ridiculously selfish daughters spend their money. I had nothing to add to those conversations.
INTERVIEWER: You couldn’t add the fact that your daughter is philanthropic and not motivated by money?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, again, you don’t get it. If you said something like that everyone would immediately think you were a fake rich person because no real rich people have daughters like that.
INTERVIEWER: But you do…
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I did. I kind of don’t acknowledge my first one anymore.
INTERVIEWER: Why not?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Well, it’s not like she cares about money, and that’s kind of what I have to offer, so, what’s the point?
INTERVIEWER: O.K. that sounds pretty fucked up, but let’s just move on and talk about your new daughter.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, she’s great. I mean, she’s terrible. Which is great.
INTERVIEWER: How is she terrible?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: She tells me to fuck off a lot and then I get her a gift, like a sports car or a handbag that costs like a hundred thousand dollars or something. Then she says stuff like, “Oh daddy, I love you so much!”
INTERVIEWER: And that’s a good thing?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, because now I can talk to my friends and commiserate with them.
INTERVIEWER: Because their kids also suck?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, and mine is right up there with them.
INTERVIEWER: How did you meet your new daughter?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: She was a college roommate of my daughter.
INTERVIEWER: So, she’s friends with your daughter?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Not anymore! I mean, I disowned my original daughter and adopted the new one. It kind of caused a rift between those two.
INTERVIEWER: I’d think so.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: And now there’s a lot of guilt I have to deal with.
INTERVIEWER: For disowning your daughter?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: No, for not adopting my new daughter when she was younger. She always lays a guilt trip on me about that.
INTERVIEWER: Was your new daughter an orphan?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: No. She has biological parents who raised her and sent her to college, where she met my daughter. But I’m richer than they are so she chose me.
INTERVIEWER: How do her parents feel about the situation?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I would say they’re confused. That would be the best way to put it. Since their former daughter (now mine) is like twenty-three, she’s not a dependent anymore, so from their perspective it makes no sense.
INTERVIEWER: Are they benefiting financially in any way? For instance are you paying back college loans for… What is your new daughter’s name?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Madison… Wait, did I say she was twenty-three?
INTERVIEWER: Yes, I think so.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Fuck…
INTERVIEWER: What’s wrong?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: She’s twenty-four. She’s fucking twenty-four! She’s gonna be like, Daddy! You don’t know how old I am? How could you?
INTERVIEWER: Are you sure this is all worth it?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONIARE: I’m going to have to have a party for her or buy her something now. And it’s not gonna be cheap, I can tell you that!
INTERVIEWER: So, what’s next for you?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I’m probably going to be picking up an irresponsible son to wrap my Aston Martin around a tree.
INTERVIEWER: I need to ask you a very serious question.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Shoot.
INTERVIEWER: Do you know any of your friends who have done this?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Done what?
INTERVIEWER: Adopted a grown woman to be their bitchy, out of control daughter?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Sure. Lots of them.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I don’t know. Maybe I’m the only one. I’m like a pioneer…
INTERVIEWER: Nobody really does this do they?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: No. I guess not.
INTERVIEWER: Are you safe?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER: Are you afraid of Madison?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: She’s a five-foot-two, twenty-three-year-old girl… I’m six foot three and…
INTERVIEWER: Did you say she was twenty-three again?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Oh fuck…
INTERVIEWER: Is that Madison, sitting over there?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: Yeah, that’s her. Hi, pumpkin!
INTERVIEWER: Is, uh, Madison… Is she a real human being?
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: You can see her, can’t you?
INTERVIEWER: I see a mannequin… A strange, cobbled together mannequin whose parts don’t really go together.
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: (Hisses) Don’t say that. You’re gonna give her an eating disorder or something.
INTERVIEWER: Sorry. I didn’t mean to…
ANONYMOUS BILLIONAIRE: I’ve gotta plan a second twenty-fourth birthday party…. Madison! Let’s go, dear.
MADISON: Did you forget my fucking birthday? Did you EVER forget your first daughter’s birthday? Ever?
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