Nine 100% true trends for the super wealthy this year. You won’t believe number 5.

A missed shot will cost you your left kidney.

 
1. Newharting: This is where couples buy historic Inns in Vermont just to have sex in them. 
 
2. Apocolypsing: Ultra-wealthy couples buy cult compounds and then bring an actual end of days upon them, which is kind of a win-win for everyone involved.
 
3. Playing HORSE for body parts: This is just like the basketball game HORSE, only every time a poor person misses a shot, he has to donate an organ or limb to his rich sponsor.
 
4. Paying poor people to live in the middle ages: Full medieval villages are constructed for this real life gaming experience where struggling actors are paid to play peasants in the roles of their lives (because they sign contracts to do this for, literally, the rest of their lives). The rich people live in castles because they’re the kings and queens, and they show up occasionally to rule over their serfs. Sometimes, they need to put down a revolt. Other times, there’s a drought. It just kind of depends.
 
5. Fake UFOing: Some super-wealthy people construct multi-million dollar flying machines that they take around rural areas at night just to fuck with people. In a recent news story, multi-billionaire Jeffrey Von Dunnestead was arrested for landing, capturing, and probing two men he came upon near a Nebraska cornfield. He said he was just joking and was released immediately. 
 
6. Telemarketing: In high-stakes contests with other rich people, the ultra-wealthy compete to see if they can sell random shit to middle-class Americans who are trying to eat dinner and hear the phone ring and then argue about answering it because it’s probably a telemarketer.
 
7. Shoeselling: Here, rich foot fetishists buy shoe stores just so they can go in and touch your feet. They have no intention of selling you the shoes. They don’t even really understand how money on that level works anymore. 
 
8. Demolition Yacht Derby: This yearly event takes place in different high-end yachting locations (see: Saint-Tropez, Monaco, Ibiza) where the super-wealthy watch from the docks as their captains smash their boats into each other till they all just sink.
 
9. Manwich night: Instead of caviar and Dom Perignon, the super wealthy now ironically hold “manwich nights” where they imbibe Miller High Life and eat sloppy joes.